OK, so this is a little different, but...

5 posts  ·  created 3yr ago by GutterChurl  ·  last post 3yr ago
Back  |  Forums    First help by dating and love problems    OK, so this is a little different, but...

GutterChurl
3yr ago
77,120 jpops
permalink ...my father died six years ago (I was nine and a half at the time) and, as I'm sure you can all imagine, it caused serious emotional trauma and grief. About a year later, my mother PROMISED me she wouldn't get a boyfriend until I moved out because I told her I would feel uncomfortable with another man hanging around our house all the time, like a dad. However, she now has a boyfriend, and she really loves him, but I don't understand it. It's like she's just forgetting about my dad, and about me. He's an alright guy, but how can I trust my mother? This is actually the third time this has happened. She says she loves her children more than anything, but if she lies to me all the time, what the hell am I supposed to think?

Additional issues:
* She lies to me quite a lot about a multitude of things because she either doesn't take me seriously, or because she thinks I'm an idiot who won't see through her (I'm actually very perceptive).
* I try to stay out of the way, but for some reason, if he comes to our house, I get this worry. Not because of him, but because of... well, I don't actually know...
* I'm a very strong believer in true love and, in many cases, destiny. My mother says she believes that my dad was her true love, but how can he be if his memory isn't enough to sustain her romantically?
* I don't understand why she can't wait about three years until I'm at university. If you really, truly love someone, aren't you supposed to wait for them?
* She always traces it back to sex... I remember her saying she didn't want to wait that long (it's not even that long) because she didn't want to feel like a nun.

I'm paranoid that someone I know will see this... anyway, how do I resolve this?

elenko94
3yr ago
2,077,409 jpops
permalink So you're 15 at the moment right? I'm going to sound like a boring grown-up and say you might understand when you get older. However, that's not an answer you're looking for. You're looking for a concrete answer to some very complex aspects of humanity.

Your mom, even if she loved your dad a lot, has realized he's gone. I'm going to assume she's still relatively young and thus, she doesn't want to spend her life alone. Even if you might not see it now, if she spent several years with another person - someone she loved, trusted and cared for - to have that ripped from underneath her, that's an emotional trauma.

Everyone deals with trauma differently. For instance, a few years ago a young child was murdered close to where I live. Everyone kept talking behind the mother's back because she was pregnant relatively soon with a new child. However, does that mean she forgot about her son? No. She might have become pregnant by accident, or maybe to fill a void. We can never know.

You sound intelligent and I can't explain or justify why your mom lies. Maybe it's to protect you or to protect herself?

Maybe she feels like it's time to explore who she is herself, which sometimes mean a very selfish behavior, unfortunately. There's so many aspects and I honestly can't speak for the lying, but things might have changed. Three years is a long time to not feel any human closeness, and if she found this guy she's in love with, you have to consider would he wait three years for her?

Things must have changed from the moment she made her promise to now. Humans, especially adults, perceive time a bit differently. Maybe she feels chased by time? If people are suffering they became egoistic, unfortunately.

Let's talk about the other things tho:

*She lies to me quite a lot about a multitude of things because she either doesn't take me seriously, or because she thinks I'm an idiot who won't see through her (I'm actually very perceptive).

Please give an example. Is it because she thinks you don't need to know? Many adults are condescending towards younger people since they perceive they "know something you don't". Kind of like my first line, it's not meant to be condescending, but it ends up that way because no matter how we look at it, I have "more" experience due to my age.

It's easy to push aside other people's feelings instead of actively listening and trying to understand them. You're clearly trying to understand your mom, otherwise you wouldn't have made this topic.

*I try to stay out of the way, but for some reason, if he comes to our house, I get this worry. Not because of him, but because of... well, I don't actually know...

He's a male person whom you don't have any relationship with, any good at least. It's not uncommon and certainly not unheard of. Your feelings over your mom's treatment towards you and her "abandoning" of your father may cause you to have these feelings. It's fairly common I would think.

Maybe you feel like he's invading your space? Like he's a threat towards you or the family situation. You don't have to love him, of course, but I'd imagine it's best to keep a low tone.. I would like to point out now, and please, take me seriously. If you feel like he's making any sexual advances towards you, tell your mother and if she doesn't take you seriously - you go to your school and the police. Don't let your mom talk you out of it.

*I'm a very strong believer in true love and, in many cases, destiny. My mother says she believes that my dad was her true love, but how can he be if his memory isn't enough to sustain her romantically?

I wish it worked like that, but... it's not that easy. Do you think your dad would want your mom to be unhappy? To live off a memory? It's good to keep your dad's memory in her mind and heart, but that's not always enough. You can love someone even if they're gone, just as you can love someone that's alive, at the same time.

I'm not sure what else to say in this case, it's something you will have to learn with time and experience.

*She always traces it back to sex... I remember her saying she didn't want to wait that long (it's not even that long) because she didn't want to feel like a nun.


Maybe this is an easier way to explain? Sex isn't just the physical aspects of it, it's also the emotional. These two tie together and it's very hard to explain. I can't do that for you. It's also, once again, something you need to experience.

If you love someone you want to be closer to them, in all aspects. When she says sex, she may have meant she feels lonely. But it's harder to confess those emotions than just throw out the word "I want to have sex" vs "I feel lonely, and I want to feel close to someone".

I probably didn't help at all, but many things are very hard to explain. I would think it's best if you talked to a school counselor. Just to get it off your chest and they might offer some feedback.

Your feelings are valid, but explaining reasoning behind why your mother behaves a certain way is so hard. It can stem from how she was treated a child so, yea. Hopefully you'll have some food for thought, even if you don't agree with it, it might help you see things from a new perspective.

GutterChurl
3yr ago
77,120 jpops
permalink Thank you for being so honest. I thought I'd be judged for my perspective, but your reply has put me at ease. I may not agree with her, but what you said is insightful.

Example of her lying:
In about April of 2015, I began to develop serious anger issues (not related to her love life or anything) and I pleaded my mother to take me to the doctor. She said she'd make an appointment for me by the end of the month, but she didn't. This went on for about ten months, until she finally took me to the doctor in February. Imagine keeping a lie up for ten months because you didn't want your teenage daughter not to be angry and constantly depressed. I don't think she took me seriously, even though she could see how angry I was getting.

Also, he's not making any advances on me, so don't worry about that.

I guess maybe I do have a lot of growing up to do. It sounds difficult, but I suppose it's an inevitability.

elenko94
3yr ago
2,077,409 jpops
permalink No problem.

As for the example you provided, that sounds like very typical "parenting" - or maybe it's just me who grew up with being lied to, so it's "normal" for me. I think some parents put it as something related to age, which it may be partly, but that doesn't mean she should lie to you for that matter.

I can't answer for why she's lying, but it's something you two will have to discuss at one point or another in your life, else it will eat away at you in your adulthood.

GutterChurl
3yr ago
77,120 jpops
permalink Thank you for your advice. You seem like a very intelligent and reliable person, so I'm very grateful that you helped me.


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