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My sister and her fiance have decided on a wedding date. They had two other dates, but both had to be rescheduled because they had two children ( ´ ▽ ` )
February 1, 2014. That is when they'll finally get married. Lol, they've dated for many years. Been engaged a few. Had two children, a boy Kristian and a girl Amanda. And now they're finally getting married (●´∀｀●)
I am so happy for them. They are so perfect together. Also my sister is someone I love and admire ...
Read more (90 words more)My sister and her fiance have decided on a wedding date. They had two other dates, but both had to be rescheduled because they had two children ( ´ ▽ ` )
February 1, 2014. That is when they'll finally get married. Lol, they've dated for many years. Been engaged a few. Had two children, a boy Kristian and a girl Amanda. And now they're finally getting married (●´∀｀●)
I am so happy for them. They are so perfect together. Also my sister is someone I love and admire the most. I only want her to have anything she could ever want. She deserves the best (◡‿◡✿)
It's over a year from now. I want to try and loose some weight before the wedding. I want to look good and feel good because it's my sister's special day. I want to look as good as I feel, be as good as I know I can be. And I shouldn't loose weight only for the wedding, but in general. But it's a good motivation I think ( ・ω・) · close
In the past if I said something, and no one heard or I was ignored, I'd keep saying it until I got a response. There was no ill feelings to being ignored or repeating my words. I just wanted to know someone heard what I said no matter what.
Gradually I stopped repeating myself countlessly if I was ignored. And when they didn't hear what I said and asked me to repeat myself, I would mutter more to myself than them, "No, it's obviously nothing important". I would...
Read more (156 words more)In the past if I said something, and no one heard or I was ignored, I'd keep saying it until I got a response. There was no ill feelings to being ignored or repeating my words. I just wanted to know someone heard what I said no matter what.
Gradually I stopped repeating myself countlessly if I was ignored. And when they didn't hear what I said and asked me to repeat myself, I would mutter more to myself than them, "No, it's obviously nothing important". I would say it with this sullen and irritated feeling. Cause in a way it started to hurt that no one was interested in what I had to say.
But now I've stopped repeating myself for so long it's become more of a habit rather than a response to having my feelings hurt. So when I say "It was nothing", others might misunderstand me and think I said it because I was angry. But I don't feel that way anymore. Because I say things and I let those words go once they leave my mouth. If you didn't hear what I said, it's not my problem, I most likely don't remember what I said anyway. The feeling is gone too. You know that excited feeling you have when you tell somene something. That feeling also go away with the words. To me it's just not important anymore. · close
In "Honey & Clover", Ikuta Toma's character realised he didn't know anymore what he was doing. That he was going nowhere. That he hadn't found his passion in life. So he just left. Packed a few necessity, got on a bike and just left. He'd ride his bike for as long and as far as he could, then stop, rest, and then keep going. He didn't have anyone or anything. But he just left anyway.
It's what I wish I could do. If I can't die, and I can...
Read more (63 words more)In "Honey & Clover", Ikuta Toma's character realised he didn't know anymore what he was doing. That he was going nowhere. That he hadn't found his passion in life. So he just left. Packed a few necessity, got on a bike and just left. He'd ride his bike for as long and as far as he could, then stop, rest, and then keep going. He didn't have anyone or anything. But he just left anyway.
It's what I wish I could do. If I can't die, and I can't get an education and a career and because I have no future here or anything, I just wish I could go like that. Either just get on my bike and make my way away. Or jump on a plane and just go somewhere really far away. I wish I could disappear from this place, cause it's too painful to be here. · close
Sometimes the most uncomfortable place you will ever be in is your own skin. It's the awkwardness in not knowing who you are. When you long for some safety in labels and boxes, those places that suffocate you and yet make you feel like you belong somewhere. There's to some degree a comfort in having a label to yourself. At least then you know what you are, and can still modify yourself to then not fit with it.
I feel uncomfortable in my skin. It's not because I don't know wh...
Read more (141 words more)Sometimes the most uncomfortable place you will ever be in is your own skin. It's the awkwardness in not knowing who you are. When you long for some safety in labels and boxes, those places that suffocate you and yet make you feel like you belong somewhere. There's to some degree a comfort in having a label to yourself. At least then you know what you are, and can still modify yourself to then not fit with it.
I feel uncomfortable in my skin. It's not because I don't know who I am. I know who I am, I know what kind of person I am, I just don't know what I am. That when it comes to everything about sexuality and gender, it's like standing alone on a dying star. My mind is probably too open minded for anyone's good. So it's not that I have anything against anything. But I can't figure out where I stand. Not with anything. I've never considered myself as being anything. I don't think I belong under any of the terms that exist.
So being in my own skin is such an uncomfortable place for me to be in. Living in a place that could never get their head around such thoughts. And not having someone directly to talk to. I feel more and more uncomfortable every day. · close
Not long ago I went to my cousin's wedding. She's one year older. We aren't close. Ocassionally did we play together as children, but it was never much more. I've always been the youngest, and everyone has been too grown up and important to want to be with me (laughs). I've never been close to anyone in my childhood.
Honestly I was surprised to be invited. Her, I hadn't seen her in years. Even if she's a relative, not in many years... Seeing her in the church...
Read more (277 words more)Not long ago I went to my cousin's wedding. She's one year older. We aren't close. Ocassionally did we play together as children, but it was never much more. I've always been the youngest, and everyone has been too grown up and important to want to be with me (laughs). I've never been close to anyone in my childhood.
Honestly I was surprised to be invited. Her, I hadn't seen her in years. Even if she's a relative, not in many years... Seeing her in the church, she was beautiful. Wow, how beautiful she had become. Maybe it's a bride thing, maybe every bride looks beautiful like that, I don't know. But all I remember thinking is, "She's really grown up..".
After the ceremony, after the dinner and cakes, there were games like Bride vs. Groom, actually very amusing games (laughs). Both of the married couples family had made videos with photographs and filmed moments of them both. I got to see all the things my cousin had done in her life. Sure she's just 21, and I'm just 20.. I've always felt like I was a bit more outgoing, a bit more grown up than her... But seeing all the things she had done, all these things I've always wanted to do that she's done, I realised I'm just standing on the bottom of the bottle, while she's on the top looking at the sky, being happy, doing everything. She's living, and I'm confined. I'm just 20. I should be out there too, not sit at the bottom giving up.
She opened my eyes. I need to set my life straight. I need to get free. I need to start living. Take chances and take a leap of faith. What worth does my life have if I'm safe but no dreams lived, no goals achieved? I could just as well be dead.
"A sorrowed heart, a cluttered mind
and I'm thinking that I could change this,
but I can't change this."
· close
I told Tanya I don't smoke anymore.
She said that's boring.
I said I don't like the smell and don't want it on my nephew.
She shook her head and said she didn't understand.
She asked why, now she can't call me at night to have a smoke.
I looked away and said I'd still go out with her.
She said it's not the same.
I thought why don't she understand.
I don't want to be a bad rolemodel.
I don't want my nephew and godson to smell of ci...
I told Tanya I don't smoke anymore.
She said that's boring.
I said I don't like the smell and don't want it on my nephew.
She shook her head and said she didn't understand.
She asked why, now she can't call me at night to have a smoke.
I looked away and said I'd still go out with her.
She said it's not the same.
I thought why don't she understand.
I don't want to be a bad rolemodel.
I don't want my nephew and godson to smell of cigarettes.
I don't want to wash my hands constantly.
I don't want my teeth turn yellow.
I like breathing.
Some ask was it hard to quit.
I say no.
And think it wasn't hard because it was worth it. · close
In my previous bedroom there was no valve. So you had to leave the door open during the night. Cause it wasn't originally supposed to be used as a bedroom. After that I can't sleep with the door closed. Even in my new bedroom. Despite that light will come through the cracks from the opening. I can't close the door. I've learned to sleep facing the wall to enclose myself in darkness. And I can't sleep anywhere anymore with the door closed.
Lately I've had many re-...
Read more (240 words more)In my previous bedroom there was no valve. So you had to leave the door open during the night. Cause it wasn't originally supposed to be used as a bedroom. After that I can't sleep with the door closed. Even in my new bedroom. Despite that light will come through the cracks from the opening. I can't close the door. I've learned to sleep facing the wall to enclose myself in darkness. And I can't sleep anywhere anymore with the door closed.
Lately I've had many re-occuring dreams. Nightmares. Nightmares that come in different shapes, but still I know I've dreamt them before. What I hate about nightmares that I dream repeatedly, is that instant moment when you wake up from it and you don't know what's real anymore. After having dreamt something for so long, you start wondering if maybe it was real. Maybe it happened. Of course it didn't. But they are called nightmares for a reason, if they don't upset you they'd be merely dreams.
Ever since they started telling me I sleep talk, I've felt immensely uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as someone else. And even if everyone know (well in my family) that I sleep talk. You know how with some people who sleep talk you can talk back to them and hold a short conversation and stuff. Even now when I'm 19 my parents haven't learned to not talk to me when I'm sleeping. They often ask me stuff and I wake up not remembering shit. Well. I don't know if I sleep talk when I sleep alone. I've read that stress can cause people to sleep talk. Irregular sleeping patterns too. So maybe I only sleep talk when others are around. Because I've never heard any of it.
Honestly wish there was a cure for it. Or a reason because then I could maybe control it more. · close
"Maybe I want to find something inside you that's the same as what's inside me...
...I'm lonely, you know.
No matter what I do, I'm empty.
And yet... I have my parents and my brother, so I'm really not alone at all.
And because of them being there, I can't even blame anyone for the way I'm feeling.
...I'm okay during the afternoon.
It's bright, and everyone around me is noisy.
But... when night falls, I can't help feeling like ...
"Maybe I want to find something inside you that's the same as what's inside me...
...I'm lonely, you know.
No matter what I do, I'm empty.
And yet... I have my parents and my brother, so I'm really not alone at all.
And because of them being there, I can't even blame anyone for the way I'm feeling.
...I'm okay during the afternoon.
It's bright, and everyone around me is noisy.
But... when night falls, I can't help feeling like it's unbearable.
I can't say it well, but I feel like the darkness inside me is going to overflow."
This is... basically how I feel. Why do you feel lonely even when someone's with you? Being alone isn't the only reason why someone would feel lonely.. Some just feel like this. And it's even more frustrating because there is no reason for it. No one to blame, nothing to explain it. Always feeling lonely no matter who you're with is a very suffocating state to be in. When you're around people and everything's loud and the sun is bright and for some time it's okay, almost like you forget it. But the loneliness... still never completely goes away.
I wish I could fix myself up enough to not have this kind of feeling.
Feeling lonely in crowds... feeling lonely alone... drives you crazy. · close
My parents want me to take a year off. From school, studying, choices, everything. And just work for a year. They see that I'm too lost to do anything sensible at the moment. That I'm not making good choices anymore. They say as it is now I shouldn't do anything, not jump into anything. That I should rather take a year off and work and think everything through.
I have a cousin who is the same age as me. He didn't go to college/university, he's working at ashop that sell...
Read more (324 words more)My parents want me to take a year off. From school, studying, choices, everything. And just work for a year. They see that I'm too lost to do anything sensible at the moment. That I'm not making good choices anymore. They say as it is now I shouldn't do anything, not jump into anything. That I should rather take a year off and work and think everything through.
I have a cousin who is the same age as me. He didn't go to college/university, he's working at ashop that sell tools and other equipments and stuff. He seems content to live a life like that, a simple life like that, with a job like that. I can understand him and his feelings and liking a simple life. But... I just always thought I'd never have to live like that. Just, don't want to end up living in a dead-end job like that. So what I fear is if I take a year off and work, maybe I'll end up never getting out of it...
What I'd be doing that one year is... Probably getting a crappy job at some grocery store or a shop at the mall. Or maybe I'd find a job somewhere else like at some dry cleaning shop. I don't know. Really... don't know. Maybe I should just do it. Take a year off and clear my head and get things in order. Not make rash decisions and just work instead.
Honestly... I miss being a "roadie", working backstage, filming, putting up equipments and stuff like that... I've never been better at anything else. Not that there's a chance to do that here, really. I've been considering to ask a girl I went to school with, and maybe she could help me get in on some backstage work for the theatre or something like that. But I dunno... Haven't talked to her in like half a year. But we worked really well together backstage, so maybe... All I have to do is giver her a call..
Gaaaahh! My parents are probably right. I should take a year off and stop thinking.
If everything goes to hell, maybe I'll just learn Korean and Japanese on my own, maybe a little Finnish and Sapmi too, and then maybe become a trainee at some airplane company to become part of the cabin crew?
I really should stop thinking so much... · close
Some days I wish I lived in a big city where no one would know if I disappeared. Had I suddenly stopped coming to shcool or didn't hand in my assignments or didn't show up for work. No one would care and I could just end anything like that. Just like that I could have vanished.
Some days I'm terrified at the thought that I might one day disappear, and no one will notice or miss me. That no one will ask where I went or what happened to me. No one who'd try to call my phone a ...
Read more (76 words more)Some days I wish I lived in a big city where no one would know if I disappeared. Had I suddenly stopped coming to shcool or didn't hand in my assignments or didn't show up for work. No one would care and I could just end anything like that. Just like that I could have vanished.
Some days I'm terrified at the thought that I might one day disappear, and no one will notice or miss me. That no one will ask where I went or what happened to me. No one who'd try to call my phone a couple of twenty times. Or report me missing. That I could simply leave, and not a single person would know.
I'm just a cloud floating on the vast sky. My shape changes, a bit every second, a little every minute, a great deal every day. I'm strong sometimes, I'm nothing other times, I disappear and appear and I change. I'm just a loneley cloud that sometimes care and most times don't. · close
