I've been avoiding writing a journal for a long time. A lot of my JPA friends have been looking forward to some news about me and my life in Guangzhou and I've been putting it off simply because I don't know how to describe it all here.

I'm diplomatic and openminded enough to not WANT go on a negative sounding screaming rampage. Yet I'm hazed enough not to gawk or jovially write down every little thing that happens here either.

So what that leaves is..."ok." My attitude towards it here is indifferent and I think that's all I can afford to give right now. Being in Guangzhou, China is "ok." There's no spectacular thrill, and it's not the bottom of the pit either.

I have a great group of coworker friends which I tend to do everything with. I finally started teaching last week and my students are a good group. There's a few that freakin rock! But not enough, unfortunately.

Truth is, culture shock is HUGE for me here. I never had ANY culture shock in Japan, and most people don't believe me when I say it. Well, let's see. I never had any of the initial stages of culture shock. I had a few latter stages which I realized were pretty bratty on my part when I got back home to Toronto. However, the initial stages, I never had. But I'm certainly having them now, on OVERLOAD.

I never go anywhere by myself. Complete opposite to Nihon, as the first day I got there I was trotting up and down in Umeda sorting out the sites, sounds and people and of course, fawning over the rotating sushiya. Here...in China...I'm freaked out by going to the 7-Eleven. I mean I'm really having it bad and I don't know what to do about it.

One of the most unfortunate things here is not so much the country itself but the set up of my college. I'm the only Canadian here. I'm the youngest person here. And I'm the only one not in a relationship. Everyone who is foreign who works here, is in a relatio. I'm always the 3rd, 5th or even 7th wheel. And I'm a good sport, I can deal with it. However, here is the kicker. Everyone who works here has been here for over 3 years. I'm the newbie that's only been here close to a month now. No one wants to take pictures. No one wants to explore. No one has that excitement or type of pure glee to be in a new country. Everyone's had their honeymoon period. Hell, some people are working on their divorce. So my dreams and wishes were pretty much snuffed out when I arrived. My time to discover and feel 'fresh' in my experience was omitted as soon as I got on campus.

This is a terrible journal. It's a bad report and I hate giving bad reports, hence the avoidance of JPA. Don't get me wrong though. China isn't a bad place. It's just not a place I think that fits who I am and what I'm used to. I'm not your average 'foreigner', so I'm that much more 'unique' therefore I get stared at THAT much more and commented on much more often. It's a dizzying and awfully annoying thing that has me wrapped up in the security of my apartment more than I'd like to be.

Another thing, again with the college, is the lack of support. In Nihon, my manager and even the Head Office team was more than willing to deal with my overload of culture shock (which I never had to utilize them for, funny enough!). They'd have seminars and they'd have someone talk to you. Here, that kind of support doesn't exist. It's like they just expect you to get over it. And I can almost see where that perspective comes from, but being in the situation I'm in...it's not that easy. And being the strong person I am, means that I don't really have to take it if I don't like it.

Therefore the resolve is this. I'll do what I can for the next semester I'm here (Oct-Dec). I'll be a good teacher and hang out with my coworkers as much as possible, because they're good people. Maybe I'll get some nerve and some speaking ability (another thing that has me debilitated, the language, though intriguing, is truly a daunting thing to learn) to go on the subway by myself somewhere.

However, once December comes, I'm going to use the money I've saved to go back to Japan, once and for all. The reason I was waiting for November '09 to go back was to save money. And, to be honest, I get paid pretty well here (in Canadian dollars) so I can save a lot in a short period of time. I'm going to have to break my contract, but there's a clause that allows me to do so quite easily. That too, hurts me because there were a lot of people recommending me for this job, having faith that I could handle it. Unfortunately, even I know my own limits. And December is where it's going to have to end.

I'll go back to Toronto until late Feb, early March, to give enough time to process my Nihonjin visa and I'm going to either Kobe, Osaka or Kyoto and if I really have to settle, Yokohama. I'm not too much of a Kanto person, but if there are no positions in the aforementioned Kansai places, then I'll even go there.

My heart and soul is in Japan. And even though I may have an adventurer's spirit, the wandering has to stop at some point. I've always wanted to plant roots in Japan, and maybe this trip is just another way for my fate to reveal itself to me.

So I can deal with the next 3 months in expectation.

And in almost poetic fashion, I'll be back in Nihon just in time for はなび and さくらがり.

Until next time...

じゃ...

I know I know, what a strange mix. However, these are the two sets of thoughts that are boggling my mind and twisting the equilibrium of my stomach at the moment, so I thought I'd vent.

First, being a teacher. Well a prof. I'm 25 years old and I'm a prof. It's a cruel, cruel world for the life of a young, hip, fashion forward prof (hahaha, I laugh with incredulousness!) whose heart is always broken in two for her students who are around 5 years younger than her. I can't begin to tell you how much it sucks to fail students. About 7 students in my class failed, 5 of them I felt no remorse for, but two of them I somewhat do. They are ESL students really, who, somehow, got put into a regular, brutal and cutthroat college English course that doesn't have time to cater to their specific needs. Unfortunately, I'm not a cold person. I couldn't just leave them hanging in the wind like that. So...admittedly, I gave them scattered 'bonus' marks, here and there, to make up for the native language skill they lack. But, it still didn't help them satisfy the course requirements and now they have a F on their transcript blaring at them - yelling at the top of digital lungs - that they failed.

It hurts me.

Then I have the other students. The ones who outright failed, emailing me and complaining. Are you MAD?!! You ALARMINGLY failed, leave me alone, do NOT ask me for a make up, my tenure with your class is DONE. However, my heart strings still pull. Against my will. Because they deserved to fail, they are not ESL, and they did not do half of what was required to pass. So why do I still feel guilty? Why do I feel like it's my fault they failed? Why do I feel like, I may have messed up the marks somewhere, somehow, and that's why that particular student got a 0 or, I was too hard with my marking scheme and rubrics, so that's why they got a F?

I'm like Iron-face 先生 from 'マイボッス、マイヒロ'!! lol. Like how she was so hard on herself even though Nagase's character was just a big ol (and very handsome) baka! *sigh* It's just tough sometimes, tis all. I really want to find some sense of balance between my emotions and my professionalism. Because I'm a relatively 'new' teacher (only about a year and change in the field) and I still need to learn where to put up walls and when to peek over the top to pull students up who genuinely need my 'extra' help. わかる？！ Plus, having training in both ESL (my speciality) and also exposure to the mainstream school systems and each of their idiosyncrasies can be confusing at times. :sad:

*siiiiigh* メイジャストレス！！！！

だから。。。I'm gonna do my best to be as diplomatic as possible and let it go. I've done all I can and my tenure is over with this class. I have a crop of lovely new students waiting for me in Guangzhou!!!! :smile: THEY need my focus now, not these students. I technically don't even have to write them back anymore!

Ok...SUBJECT CHANGE!!!

On a brighter note...omg...THSK. WHY DIDNT YOU ALL TELL ME 2 years ago??!?!! (I say 2, because I really like their music from 2006 and onward, has a sense of maturity to it I think compared to earlier works) Then again I was just breaking into mainstream Jpop 2 years ago, so to find these so-called 'foreign' artists under the Jpop banner was nonexistent then (and NOW apparently---which disgusts me! THSK is soooo Jpop, and to still brand them as 'foreigner pop' really ticks me off. Why? Because, as a proud gaijin, I know first hand how it is to experience the 'negative side' of xenophobia that Nihon is NOTORIOUS for, and it's not cool. Especially in a country that claims to be oh so Westernized, it's just unneeded now. THSK can speak Nihongo among the best of them, their manners and cultural admiration for Japan is self-evident and they are obviously striking a loud, clanging chord with all the fans that love them, throughout Asia and abroad. :mad: / soapbox speech) But yeah...2 years ago would've been ideal for me to fall in love with a boyband...well...other than SMAP.

What strikes me about them more than anything is simply this: HOLY *bleep* can they SING!!! I mean, these deep, rich, multi-octave (and octane!) voices coming from such, soft, young, yet beautiful creatures just baffles me. Jaejoong, especially. Let's be real, Jaejoong looks like Cloud from Final Fantasy, hands down lol. But on a MUCH less-masculine level. He's surreal looking. And to hear this HUGE voice BOOMING from such a slight frame and little mouth...it blows my mind. And I'm not even referring to their recorded songs, it's their acappella and live performances that shake the ground I walk on! Ok, I'm known for my exaggeration, but I'm seriously not going THAT overboard here! I could rave on about them forever.

What SM Entertainmnent has brilliantly produced is this: a group of talented singers with crazy good looks. They reformulated the boyband and made them SUPER. That doesn't come along everyday. And mind you, I'm not a fan of Jaejoong at all. Actually he reminds me of Goro-kun aka kami-sama as Nakai lovingly calls him, as he seems really vain and obsessed with his hair. That's not my type of guy. And I don't quite like pretty men either. Like womanly pretty lol. My guy is more...well Micky Yoochun. heheheheheeee

Micky is like すごくかっこい！！！！ And I mean that purely on a talent level. うそう！ Ok fiiiine...he's gooooorgeous. GEEZ! He looks more like a man's man and I think that's why I find him insanely attractive. But let me not be superficial. The guy can sing amazingly, write songs, compose songs, play piano wonderfully (which he taught himself therefore making him = genius) and let's face it, those years in the States made his English pretty damn good (pronunciation wise that is, from my feeble ESL expertise). He has to use 3 languages on an almost daily basis...geez and I thought *I* had it rough! He has a superb mind boasting endless talents, packaged up in the cutest smile eveeeeerrr.

And my fangirling ends here. I'm too old for this, hahaha! Yet I can't get this one song they sing out of my mind. It's called Begin and the video is on here. This may just be my favourite THSK song of all. The lyrics and composition = priceless. So I'll end this by watching that and then going to sleep. I have inbox messages to read too, yay!

So until another time and another rant...

さよう。。。

I really wanna edit my last journal because my links are faulty, but booooo, all the text runs off the screen so I can't!!! Anyone know how I can go back and edit it?? I can't even find the edit button!!! :mad:

I really want to show those cool pics of Guangzhou too! Ahhhh!!!

Remember that I was going to move to Kobe in about 1.5 years??? Well, that option is still perfectly viable, however, there is a bit of a thwart in direction at the moment...

Since I'm....*drumroll please* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MOVING TO CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohhh yes ともだちの I am off to 中国 in mid September!!! I'm moving to GUANGZHOU!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! The place where all knockoffs AND real brand names reign supreme!

AHHHHH, the place where most of the Chinese basketball players come from! (Guangzhou is the basketball capital of China I've heard, they hold a 3on3 tournament sponsored by my second favourite sports drink in the world - POCARI SWEAT - every year!!! AHHHH!!!)


Also the home of the illustrious and internationally acclaimed CANTON FAIR!!!!!!


I'll be there for the Canton fest too as it happens in Oct.

I'm going to have a ton of pics and diaries and everything for you all during my ONE YEAR stay there. I'll be teaching at a civil aviation school and it's going to be BANANAS considering that I'll be teaching pilots and flight attendants! How AMAZING is that?!?!

Ok, that's all for now. I'm すごい～～～ねむい。。。 I know, it's only 3:30pm over here in Toronto. lol. I guess that's what happens when you stay up til 5am watching 5 episodes of the "My Boss, My Hero" dorama, I love Nagase-san.

Until next time -
じゃ。。。

Today I had the most amazing déjavu . I was sitting in my room listening to SHINGO☆西成, feeling a little hardcore , yet happy . I was basking in the 33+ celsius heat of a typical Toronto summer and I had my feet propped up on my couch -- then it hit me like skyrocketing gas prices....in a country that produces enough natural resources that to have to import anything is absolutely ludicrous (sorry, Canadian political rant) .

Yeah it hit me hard. I'm *still* in 日本 . In my mind, in my heart . I'm still there. That's what I'd do on my days off from work. Exactly what I did today. Exactly what I did last year on this very same day, back in good ol 大阪 。 I'd do some deep breathing, fall into the inner trenches of J-music, put my feet up, drink some cold おちゃ (or beer, depending ) and relax (all while ignoring the 30 essays I have to mark for my students by Monday morning, and it'd be 80+ if I was still in Nihon) .

It's amazing to see life through a distorted mirror. Cracked. Peeled. To see life from the perspective I had once fought hard to see through again. When I was in Japan, towards the end of my tenure, I got quite jaded . I was in the 3rd stage of culture shock I think . It's when you start to complain a lot , start comparing things in your present country to your former one , and you lovelust for things you forgot that you had once loathed in your former country . I started to become resistant to Japanese...everything . Save for the fashion and music. lol.

It was amazing to see me today . In my comfort zone, in my home town, still reflecting the very thing I thought I needed to escape for a while. Being who I really am, who I became when I was in Osaka. I became my own person. I created habits, rituals, patterns. Things that reflect my personality, my lifestyle, my wholeness .

So...my journey back has begun . I currently have a new job to assist my part-time college professor gig. I work for a Toronto branch of a major Japanese えいかいわ that I can't quite spill the name of (yet) . You know how the protocol is with exposing business info on the net, I could lose my job . And hell, I just got it. But yeah, seeing myself working at an えいかいわ in Toronto, the very same one that I used to admire besides my own when I was in Japan -- it's a sign . And it takes an awful lot for me to abandon the idea of fate in favour of coincidence. I'm romantic like that I guess.

So here we go. Before you know it, it'll be November 2009 and I'll be on my way back . Crazy and めちゃ exciting to think about ! Not only will the location be slightly different (because I do know Kobe quite well, I was always there!) but my life will be. I'll be the person I want to be, in the place I need to be.

Looking at life, not through a distorted, disfigured mirror.

But looking at life as it is. As it's meant to be. Filter-free.

I'm one of those gaijin that found home on foreign soil. And this time, I'm planting roots.



また、ね。

It's funny how in Amy's song all she ever wanted with her lover was to get some time to be his friend. Talk with him. Laugh with him. Know his secrets, wishes, dreams. Know those innermost thoughts that get him ticking. Be aware of him. His observations, his perceptions on life. Just really know him.

I have all of that with my best friend. He's all of that + 1 to me.

Just when will I get MORE than that? When can Amy and I trade places?

How do I become the lover?

It's so complicated. There's parts to him that indicate that he may just be better off going ahead and swinging for the other team (euphemism, you know...) because he's a pretty guy with a great fashion sense and the other team just can't get enough of him. I don't blame him. He's a gorgeous guy that's just able to get along with everyone.

Kinda like he hinted to me too, I'm also able to get along with everyone (this may sound strange but I love to notice what he notices about me...it makes me feel like...wow, he's actually paying attention to the little things I do...I feel...special.)

So yeah...yeah. It's really complicated.

Out of all the people in the world, I fall in love with him.

I've known him for 15 years of my life. 15. Not many people can say that.

But now...what can we do?

Be just friends, forever, would be great of course.

I just wish my heart didn't want more. So much more.

My heart wants a white dress, white gold ring, lilies, an El Salvadorian suite, a dope condo and beautiful chocolate smeared smiles from curly headed 子供。

Then there's じろ-さま, the replacement. The guy that exists just in case the love of your life doesn't. Cuz he smells like him. He feels like him. He makes your heart run across the universe, like it's him. This is the guy that valorizes everything you thought love was and is. He is the remix of 'the one'. Or...more...?

So I'm going back to 日本 around next November, I've decided. November is a good time to go. Get (re)aquainted with work, get to know people, campaigns are almost done and　クリスマスータイム is right around the corner.

I don't know what's in the stars anymore. I thought I knew, but as usual-I was wrong.

All I know is fact:

じろ lives in Yokohama.
I will live in Sannomiya.
My best friend will live here, in Toronto.

What are the chances?
What are the stakes?

"How many fates should I accept?" - はいど

ぜん-ぜん わからへん！！！！！！

I'm just a girl with a dream and a room full of books, papers and binders. And a map of 大阪 on my wall. With hearts around Amagasaki, Shinsaibashi and the JR Kobe Line.

I don't want to cry about love anymore.

I just want to have it.

じゃ。。。

I lived in　大阪　for a whole year (Nov 06-dec 07)　and ummm, I'm freakin moving back there in a year and a half. Not exactly, Osaka, more like Hyogo. I've decided today. Operation KOBE...commences.

よかった！！！！！

And I'm gonna learn waaay more 日本語 than I know now. It's kinda needed, ね？

I can't waaaaaaaaait!!!