Oh, man. I was the first person to finish the test,and usually that's a good thing, because it means you knew the stuff. Apparently, not this time. I missed 18/60 but I think I got the short answers right which is another 10 points. Soooo, if she doesn't give us any points back I'll only have a 73. This semester is so completely kicking my but. It's not that I don't know stuff, it's just they keep asking questions you have read so much into it to guess what it is they are asking. I'm hoping they will throw out a few questions, because a lot of people had issues with some questions.

Plus, my psych rotation has seriously been playing with my head. Too much bad ground to keep going over. This self-reflection crap is getting to me. I'll be glad when it's over. I want to learn how to help people, but I don't want to analyze myself too much while I do it. Who the h*ll pays attention to their own non-verbal communication and whether it's therapeutic or not all the time? NO ONE!! So, ok it's important to keep it in mind, but lets not lose focus on the patient.

ahhhh! enough!

At least now I can start working on some other projects that are due and begin researching my QUESTIONS FOR DIR EN GREY!

For those of you didn't read my forum post, I'm going to be interview Dir En Grey at the concert in Atlanta, so I'm so very excited. gotta run.

well, finals came in and ..... I got an "A" in both Pediatric Nursing and Community Health Nursing.. can I get a hell yeah!! So now I have a 3.77 GPA. not bad, I suppose, I got a few "B"'s. I've been trying to translate my Hyde/Larc~en~Ciel lyrics. It's been fun and I found a great site to help too.rnrnhttp://nihongo.j-talk.com/parser/search/index.phprnrnI even posted my attempts here, though if anyone can do better have at it, at least I tried. I'm starting a new semester. Adult Medical/Surgical II (advanced Health problems) and Adult Psychiatric Nursing (ooh, fun .. Ativan, Haldol, and Valium oh my!!!) and guess what? I get to do my Psychiatric clinical on 10/30 and 10/31.. that's right kiddies I get to go to the state psychiatric hospital on HOLLOWEEN!! Yippee, let's hope it's not a full moon too.




and this little beautiful nugget is Hyde's Nipple ring that I've been drooling over ever since Igot my Love Addict DVD....

Well, the end of this sememster is almost upon me. final exams are next week can you believe it? I can't. I've got so much to do too. I have to work, go to an irish wake for a friend who passed away last month, AND study for finals somewhere in the next few days. But at least we have a few weeks off until fall semester starts. And then I'll be a senior and new batch of freshman will be coming in. I feel sorry for them they have no idea what they've gotten themselves into. Welcome to the black hole that is nursing. I have no social life, I have no TIME for a social life. My social life consists of JPA and Myspace. and the few friends I've got on myspace are

1) bands I like
2) My best friend in California
3) a distant cousin
4) a few favorite DJ's (the one who plays Asian Heavy Metal ) and
5) friends I've met here on JPA.

And of course none of those people/entities are people who live close who I can actually hang out with in person face to face. A you can forget EHarmony, sure they got me a lot of matches but have you SEEN how much they charge for membership so you can actually talk to the people they match you up with ? $300/yr or like $60 for ONE month. that's like a little over a tank of gas for me. do you know how far I can go on that? Or how many hours I have to work to make that much money? It's just not in my budget.

I want to get out of this town and this state, this COUNTRY so badly and just see the world. I'm tired of being too smart, too short, and not pretty enough to be acknowledged. I'm tired of going to clubs and either getting completely ignored by everyone, or getting hit on by the FUGLIEST FART in the bar. You know what I'm talking about the F***ing ugliest old dude (old enough to be my grandfather) with his Miami Vice look, and fake crocodile shoes, those guys are the ones who hit on me. It's disgusting, and vaguely pedophilic.

Men around here are too tall anyway, and they all want tall girlfriends. I'm so left out. And most of the people who have the same interests as me, that I get along best with on the internet, all seem to be so much younger than me. God, I'm so not looking forward to my birthday. So many hot guys too young to date (and not interested in me anyway, but that's not the point).

And trying to study and do homework with Gackt peeking sexily from behind my MS Word screen is so distracting. I got this really great wallpaper from Livejournal and ** sigh **. *THUD* I haven't been on a date in over a year. ~~ TMI EILONWE!!! STOP IT ~~ And it doesn't look like I'm going to have any prospects next year either... 2 years of celibacy at my age. Geez, shoot me now!

Well, I guess that's enough confession and self pity for now. I'll check in after the wake and let you know how it went. I'm taking the fixings for a "Celtic Tattoo" (equal parts Jamesons Irish Whiskey, Bailey's Irish Cream, and Capt. Morgan's Tattoo rum) yummy yumm yumm. But don't worry, I'm not stupid enough to drink and drive, I'm crashing there... taking my tent and pitching it in the yard because a lot of people are coming, Bear was a well loved icon. We are having a cook out and a bonfire and lots of story telling ... it should be a really good time, we're really going to remember him and celebrate his life and unique contribution to life as we know it.

"Death is not the enemy of a life well lived." ~ Eilowne

I found out a friend of mine has died. We are going to have an Irish Wake for him in july. I'm just stricken. This really hit me hard. I mean I hadn't had a chance to talk to him in a year becuase I've been so busy with school but I was just thinking about him the other day. I was thinking I'll send him pictures of my striping ceremony, 'cause he'd be proud of me. Now he's gone. I can't believe it.

I am just shocked. I couldn't sleep last night , and I kept crying today. Some would say, "well, he mustn't have been a good friend, if you didn't talk to him in a year". But really he was. He really helped me after my divorce feel good about myself again. He had confidence in me and helped me believe in myself.

He was a shining example of chivalry in the modern age. He was courageous, courteous, a skilled warrior, bard, artist, he had faith, humility, compassion, justice, strength, honor, integrity, and loyalty. He kept his word, if he gave it. He stood by his friends. He fought for my honor, and he made me smile.

I will miss him.

"Bearon" Bear McLochlain.... Rest In Harmony

Yeesh, I have to watch a billion long boring videos and I still have to go home and study for a test in the morning. Mercy but I'm bored and sleepy. And EVERY time I go to the jpops chatroom I'm the only one there.

Test-wise, I'm doing ok in school, but I just feel like they are going to pull something and somehow I'm going to fail clinical or something. I feel afraid something
s gonna happen to keep me from progressing. Stress I guess. I'm just panicky. and unsure of myself with pediatrics.

I miss having friends to hang out with. I never get a chance to get out with school, and my weekends are taken up with work. everyone else in my class are either too young, (recent highschool grads and they don't want to hang out with me anyway), or they are married and have kids. I'm stuck in the middle.

I'm just in a blue mood today. Lonely and tired . I'm really enjoying my Jrock. I'm looking forward to getting my VAMPS cd in the mail. I'm supposed to get the Gackt Blue discography of videos from netflix in a few days.

well, I've got to put another video in.... hopefully I'll do well on my test tomorrow.

ok, so like I called in sick to work today. I get migraines occasionally, and I really did have one, just not quite as bad as I made it out. Well you see, It was like 12am, and I have to get up at 5am to get ready for work and work a 12hr shift from 7a-7p,and I just wasn't up to trying to do that with only like 4 or 5 hrs of sleep. So I called out. Which I really can't afford to do because I'm almost out of PTO (paid time off) hours. and they don't let you use your sick time hours unless you've been out and used 24hrs of PTO (which is silly, because what if you call out sick and you have no PTO left, you have to eat 24hrs unpaid?) I don't know. I just know I'm almost out of PTO which accrues really slowly, and I have lots of sick time which I can't touch.

Huh, on the plus side, I finally bit the bullet and went for the cheapest option for internet for me ~~ a $70 data cable and $25/month unlimited internet access to use my cell phone as a modem. Not to mention the cost of upgrading my phone. I swear internet is getting more and more expensive, not to mention S....L.....O....W.

but cheap beggars can't be choosers right?

Hey I found a set of videos of veoh, and old TV show that teaches japanese. I downloaded the first episode, it's kind of funny but seems like it might be useful. I'm going to look for more episodes.

Well, gotta study, got tests every week now until the end of the semester.

Yeah, I forgot to mention, that when I finally sat down to watch my MOONCHILD dvd, which I was soooo excited to get, it was so full of digital glitches that I couldn't get through the whole movie. I counted 9 ** 9 !!!!!** glitches in the middle of the second and coolest fight scene! not to mention the audio hiccups too. I was FURIOUS! After about 2 weeks I finally got them to send me the return reference number so I could return it and get a new copy, but I'll never buy from them again! that's for sure. I don't care if it was a good deal, I have sneaking suspicion it was maybe a pirate copy, but I don't want to get arrested for accidentally buying illegal movies. But I definetly won't deal with them again.

But I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and pay both arms and a leg for what I want... hmmmm a new dvd or a tank of gas? choices choices....

Well, last night we had our "Striping Ceremony". This is where we officially become seniors and we get a black strip placed on the top of your nursing cap. Most schools these days don't make their students where that traditional white nursing cap anymore, but our school is quite traditional so the cap AND apron are required. Our aprons are baby blue, and we have to wear the white dress with the white hose and white shoes. I personally like the hat, it makes me feel a little more "official".

I was a bit depressed though, because everyone else had lots of family coming and I didn't. The one person I wanted to be there - my sister, because she's a nurse and graduated from my same program, was sick and couldn't come. And all of my "friends" were busy and couldn't make it. So that left my dad. I emailed him to remind him about it and send directions. You know what he said " oh I'm glad you emailed me becuase I completely forgot about it".

So that meant that if I had not emailed him, I wouldn't have had anyone in the audience to witness this milestone, this halfway point of accomplishing my dream that I've worked so hard for. And it's really dissapointing that I'm not important enough to him, that he could remember such an important occasion.

And frustrating that I don't have friends good enough to set aside the time to root me on either. It seems like all I really have are "acquaintences", people I email occasaionally, but who never invite me to socialize in person. Maybe once I graduate, and become a nurse and start traveling I'll finally meet some really good people I count on.

Well, I took my 3rd Pediatrics test this morning and in a few minutes I'll find out how I did. What's great is that they go over the answers right away so you don't have to stress the whole day wondering how you did. I think I did alright though, maybe not as good as last week but at least a B I'm sure.

** well off to class **

Well, I'm of english, french, and irish descent. I don't tan, I fry .. blister.. peel and turn white again. I'm very fair skinned. with freckles. ** ugh! I hate freckles, I want freckle-less skin ** I have my first experience with my community health service project today. We are going out with a local physician to the farms to provide medical check-ups to the migrant farm workers in our area. It's a really great program, because a lot of these workers don't have much access to health care. Ahh, but we are going out into the field, where they are. which is a great thing, except that, as above I fry like a lobster. So I've got a dorky sun hat, SPF 60 sunblock, jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt on so I don't get fried. BUT todays forcast is Sunny. Highs in the upper 90s. Expected 99 degrees with Heat index values between 105 and 107. Southwest winds 5 to 10 mph.

I'm going to broil, I'm used to air conditioning. But then I have to think that these farm workers have to work in this heat all day - 10-12 hrs and I only have to be in the heat for a few hours. I've got 5 bottles of water, hopefully I won't heat stroke, but at least there will be a doctor on hand !!

sometimes it's easy to get overwhelmed and discouraged. You think that no one appreciates what you do, and begin to wonder if what you are doing for a living is really where you are meant to be. Then something happens and you realize that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

Let me explain. I am nurses assistant, and in school to become a nurse. I work in a hospital and some days I have 10-15 patients to care for. It can be very stressfull especially if you have very sick and needy patients. I have this one patient that came to us from the intensive care unit several months ago. When I first got him he was comatose. He had suffered from a subarachnoid hemmorhage (similar to what took Kami's life I believe). His family had made him a "Do Not Resuscitate", because the outlook wasn't good. Slowly though he is improving. He can even talk now,and most of the time makes sense.

He's been on tube feeding and sometimes he pulls at things. So this past weekend, when I in his room turning him, he was tugging on his tube feeding line, and I said "don't pull on that you might hurt yourself" and he said "dont, don't, stop telling me not to pull.. it's off!!" and he pointed to the tube feeding pump. And sure enough it had been cut off. I was shocked. I asked the nurse about it and she had cut the pump off becuase she had to give him medicine. Later, I asked him if he was warm enough or did he want a blanket and he said " I've been looking for one" so I got him a blanket and tucked him in.

Later when the nurse came in to give him his medicine and turn him again, he grabbed my pocket and he said " I know her, I know her, no one's nice as her and covers me up" He had tears in his eyes when he said this. It just broke my heart. I know it's hard for him becuase he isn't always able to say what he wants to say, and it's frustrating. But I was so glad that I was able to make him more comfortable and that he was able to tell me that he appreciated it. Not so much for the pat on my back, but I was glad for him that he was able to express that, that he is getting better. I don't think he'll ever be like he was before the stroke, but I think he has potential to have alot of function back.


We don't always get recognition for what we do, and I don't really seek it, but it's nice when it happens.... especially when it's unexpected.

I FINALLY got my copy of Moonchild in the mail as well as a dvd called Gackt Mars: La reminescence (it's supposed to have a 14 music videos on it. )I'm so excited. I can't wait to get home to play it. I'm pretty sure I ordered the one that will play in my region. If it's coded wrong I'm gonna scream. I can't afford to buy a new dvd player that's all region, they are really expensive - at least for me.

I can't wait to watch Moonchild again. Those leather pants are just so dreamy.

Gackt and Hyde in tight leather pants...

why is that guys where I live are only interested in tall, beautiful women with no self respect, and no intelligence? But then, around here, the guys aren't too smart either. drunk jerks looking for dumb drunk girls. I'll pass.

I had a professor once that spoke some very true words: " you can only concentrate for as long as you can feel your but". I have to sit through 8 hrs of lecture on wednesdays and thursdays (with only 1hr for lunch) 8am-5pm. we have those really old-school style desks, where the hard metal chair with the sharp edge is attached to the desk top. Not only are they extremely hard and uncomfortable, I'm so short my feet don't reach the ground. So the chair digs into the back of my legs. Its hard to concentrate when you are in alot of pain, and then once your but goes numb, forget it. And the thing is this is an really really important class. they let us stand up for about 10 min / hr but still. this summer is going to be brutal. I finally brought a stool to class to put under my desk for a foot rest. I don't care if it looks stupid, at least I'm not in as much pain as before. Now I'm contemplating bringing a pillow to sit on.


so now I'm kind of brain fried and but numb, I'm going to watch my nephews T-ball game and then go home and crash. (and watch all my Gackt and Hyde videos.... ahh they are so good at singing me to sleep).

I've had about 9 hours of sleep in the last 48, and after school I still have to work 3pm - 11pm. I'm a freaking zombie right now.... But at least I got to listen to Hyde Unplugged,and fall asleep to Angel's tale and evergreen. I gotta look up the lyrics. it's a beautiful song, and the unplugged is so soft.

anyway, gotta run, I'm going to be late for class. I downloaded like over an hour of really fantastic video on veoh - I think Hyde and Gackt are about tied right now. Too bad Hyde is married, but I hope he's happy.

ohh, and I spotted for like a half a second a peek at Hyd's back with his shirt off, during some live show, and that is a real tattoo on his back. I always wondered, becuase you could see it peeking out in Moonchild, but I didn't know if it was painted on. I wonder what the significance is.. I'll have to look that up. or maybe someone who know the answer will read this and send it to me?

I don't know. I'm just tired and punch-drunk right now. and then I have to sit through 3.5 hrs of lecture.

Well, lately I'd been trying to find Gackt music videos, but I really liked Hyde in Moonchild,and knew they said he's also a musician. So I looked on Veoh, and the first video I found was "Cape of Storms". well, the title sounded cool, so I downloaded that one and another "hello" because the picture had Hyde with dark hair. I didn't get a chance to watch them until I got home. I was so mad that I don't have internet at home because I was blown away by the videos. What an amazing voice. I knew his bio on wikipedia said he speaks english, but I didn't realize he sings songs in english occasionally too. Fantastic. And he's also so hot.

I had to just grin, because I noticed that he's only about 5'4", and I"m 4'11". The perfect height for me. *sigh* too bad he's married.... and half-way across the world! All the guys near me are too freaking tall. 6'+. I don't want to date someone that tall. It's just a matter of logistics. Plus, the really cute one's aren't interested in me. Nope, I get hit on by fugly farts old enough to be my grandfather. *Vurp* eeeeew.

Then today I found "Roentgen Stories" on veoh. and my draw dropped open for 20 minutes. I felt like Sho when he went to lunch at Ye-chen's house in Moonchild. Drop jawed in awe.... Wow, what a fantastic voice, and such beautiful soothing songs. I'm itching to look up the translations though. becuase I love to try and sing along to really beautiful songs,and I love lyrics. I want to know what he's saying. Unfortunately, my japanese textbooks that I ordered haven't come in yet. And it's going to be really hard, becuase there isn't anyone I know who speaks japanese that I can practice with. oh, effort has to count for something.

I think Hyde is cute any way, but I actually preferred him in longer, darker hair. I don't know why, longer hair on guys just attracts me. But overall, I'm not that picky. My last boyfriend used to shave his head bald, and he was still quite handsome. But then, he had a good head for baldness.

Now that I've discovered these two guys, I'm wondering what else I've missed. I can't wait to discover what's next.

Well I've just found this site. I'm a new fan of Gackt, and now Hyde as well. MoonChild is my new favorite movie. I'm having such a great time watching videos on Veoh. I hate it that its so hard to get the cd's in america. And very dissappointed I can't be a part of Dears. I've ordered some textbooks to learn japanese, and I'm hoping to find a pen pal to practice with. Gackt's music has really inspired me to try and learn japanese. I'm looking forward to browsing around and maybe finding even more japanese rock bands to enjoy.