“Hiroto, teach me how to see…”

“Ok, lets play a little game then, if you hear or feel anything tell me and I will describe it for you.”

“I hear chirping…”

“Those are blue birds, their wings are the deepest shade of blue and black.”

“I hear laughter…”

“Those are children, laughing, playing in the playground. There are about five of them. They are wearing brightly colored jackets and hats to protect themselves from the cold.”

“I hear crying…”

“That’s a young girl, sitting on a bench crying over a lost love. Her black hair is covering her face, hiding her tears.”

“I feel something cold…”

“Those are snowflakes that are falling from the heavens…They are the purest white, so clean, so fresh.”

“I feel something warm…”

“These are my hands, holding yours. I will never let you slip from them.”

“I feel something blinking…”

“These are my eyes, seeing everything for you. I will show you the whole world.”

“I feel something soft…”

“These are my lips, they were made only to kiss you…”

“I hear a beating…”

“That’s my heart, it belongs only to you…”

“What’s this?”

“It’s a ring…Will you marry me?”

************************************

meh...kinda short aint it

ps does anyone know when i will get my monthly jpops for signing up for the pro account

today is my big 18th bday

and what am i doing at this moment?
sitting in my architecture class listening to my teacher babble

-sigh-

yeah big eighteen
im technically an adult now

hmm i dont feel any different...i guess i shouldnt

meh...

just got a deathglare from my professor

grr...

ano...yeah the perk of today was that my calculus class was canceled cause some baka pulled the fire alarm ...

last week it was canceled due to a bomb threat

hmm i sense a pattern...
it must be someone who doesnt like their mon. wed. classes that is pulling all these stunts


so yeah

if anyone wants to wish me a happy bday go ahead

brighten up my crappy day

-sigh-

yeah now im hexa depressed...

damn
well in short it never happened because my parents wouldnt let me
and in order to audition i needed to have them sign a waiver thingy cause i am a minor

wow,,, i am soo pissed off right now
but hey there is next year ne?
maybe my japanese will improve a little...

but keep your eyes open, one of these days my face will be on the oricon charts

and least i hope so

sigh....well...i just made myself seem like a total stuck up

meh...oh well

now i have to wait til next year
its good to know that i was called to audition though...

hahaaa

okie gackt's new vid had me on the floor today
i dont know why i was so amused i am gonna guess its because metal doesnt suit him at all
people may bash at me for this but quite frankly i dont give a damn
haha

wow

personally though i cant wait for his new movie to come out
it will kinda suck though cause everyone is gonna start likeing gackt and then they are going to discover jrock and then jrock wont be that cool secret that so few of us keep.

call me crazy but i like to discover somthing and have it remain personal and private

like twilight for instance

i started to read it as soon as the book came out a year ago or so

but now everyone has twilight fever cause of the stupid movie, wich in my opinion sucks, believe me i saw it in russian from a rip, i dont see why hollywood has to come and destroy everything that is precious

and the sadest part is that after everyone will get over their twilight fever twilight wont be special anymore

it wil just be thrown aside like every other teen flick

depressing ne?
yeah

anyways back to gackt

if he does become famous at least i will be able to say i knew about him all the way back from his malice mizer days

lol

Ahh

soo i was at school all day today

tired-desu
but the highlight of my day was posting a new chappie on my fic

i love to write
its hecka fun ne?

especially fanfics about alice nine gazette and other jrockers

my ipod is being a butt today

i think i need a new one
it keeps freezing!
hmmm...my birthday is coming up in less than a week

hexa excited for that

i will finally be 18
legal
i can go clubbing
or do drugs

eh

not my thing unfortunatly
but if it was i could do it

=]

i will miss childhood

nah...being an adult if funner

but acting like a kid is even more funn!!

The rain was pounding softly on the wooden platform where she stood, tap tap tap. She stopped spacing out to here the rest of the charge, “... due to the multiple murders, and being a demonic existence, you are to be beheaded on the 13th of December in the year of the Lord, 1621.” Two guards grabbed her roughly and placed her head on a log, as the third guard raised his ax. She shut her eyes tightly as the ax made contact with her neck. Thud. Her blood covered head hit the bottom of the platform. The crowd watched silently, but no one noticed four figures standing nearby in dark robes. One man, with a lip ring smirked to himself, the tallest of the four sighed, the brunette rolled his eyes, and the shortest of the four, who was a blonde muttered to himself, “That’s what she gets…”

Kai woke up suddenly, it was raining outside, the sound of the rain had woken him up again. As he got up he glanced at the calendar, September 14, 2008. He sighed as he opened the curtains, typical September weather, he smiled cheerfully, “Well today is a new day, I wont let the rain bother me.” He rolled out of bed and went into the kitchen where his friends had already made breakfast. Hiroto was playing a video game in the living room; Reita was drinking coffee on the couch; Shou was nowhere to be seen, and Nao was downing down the last of the miso soup. “Where’s Shou?” Kai asked Hiroto, all he got was a shrug in response. He opened the fridge and looked for the soymilk. Once he located the carton he gave it a shake, only to discover that it was empty. “Shou went to go buy more soymilk, and don’t you have a date to get ready for?” Asked Reita, keeping his eyes glued to the television set. Kai scratched the back of his head and giggled nervously, “Yeah…ano…she seems really nice.” Hiroto exchanged a glance with Reita who glanced at Nao, who devilishly smiled at Kai. “What?” He asked suddenly self conscience. “Nothing…” After doing the dishes he decided to go out and look for a cute gift to get his new girlfriend. He got his umbrella and left the apartment.

A few miles north of Kai’s apartment was a forest, no one dared to go near it, for there were rumors flying around that it was haunted. The two mysterious deaths did nothing but confirm those rumors. Deep in the forest stood a mansion, it looked run down and empty, but it was her home for almost three centuries. She walked to her closet and slipped on a dark blue gothic Lolita corset dress. Taking a choker out of her jewelry box she examined the scar on her neck, a perfect line going all the way around. She covered it with the choker and stared at herself a little longer. She hoped to see at least a wrinkle, or any sign of aging; but being a vampire didn’t grant her that luxury. The sound of motorcycles pulling up jolted her from her thoughts, bringing her back to reality. “Aislinn!” She slipped downstairs to see who had called her. Aoi, Tora, and Uruha, dressed in dark jeans and black jackets, walked inside with their hands full of bags. Aoi removed his sunglasses, revealing his black orbs, and wandered into the kitchen. Tora ran his hands through his hair, taking out the excess water, apparently he wasn’t wearing his helmet. Uruha took his helmet off and placed his bags on the table. “Why didn’t you tell me you three went out?” She questioned, examining the bags they dropped on the table. “Because you are a nuisance, and you would have drawn too much attention, we are in Japan, locals would notice a foreigner easily.” Tora stated simply. She looked inside, and saw about thirty packets of blood. Normally they didn’t rob from the blood donation centers. Stocking up meant one thing, “Who is leaving this time?” She looked between the two of them Uruha smiled sadistically, “Don’t worry sweetness; we will leave Aoi with you. He will make sure you don’t miss me, pet.” He caressed her cheek with his nails, leaving a line of blood. “Don’t call me that! I gained my freedom fair in square!” Uruha grabbed Aislinn’s arm roughly and slammed her into a wall, he brought his face to her ear, his nails pierced her pale skin, “I let you win out of pity, what makes you think you are stronger than me?” His cold breath and venomous whisper sent shivers down her spine. She glared at him, eyes burning with the purest form of hate. Tora got up from the couch, and pried Uruha away from her. “Maybe the break is what you two need.” Aoi returned from the kitchen, looked at Aislinn and started to laugh to himself. “You know if this keeps continuing, Tora will spend the rest of his existence healing Aislinn’s scratches.” Aislinn turned to leave to her room, but Tora stopped her, “Don’t make any trouble while we are gone. Understood? It took long enough to cover up your killing spree last time. When we come back we will bring a little surprise with us.” She ignored him and went upstairs. Living with those three for four hundred years was starting to take its toll on Aislinn

We’ve shared a long relationship. I was the one who took all the pleasure and my partner was more than willing to provide it for me. Of course when you are a bottle of alcohol, you don’t have much of a choice ne? People always nag at me, telling me I drink too much. What do they know? They’ve never been in this industry; they’ve never felt the pressure that I have felt. Everyone has their own way of releasing stress. Mine just happens to be alcohol. Pour me a glass of the best champagne you have and you can guarantee my happiness. But there are days that I want to end my ongoing relationship. Its not healthy for me, but whenever I try to pull away; it always reigns me in. So now I am standing here, on the rooftop, enjoying the city views, drinking beer.
Oh the things I have given up to be in this deadly relationship. When thinking about this, only one person comes to mind. She was sweeter than any cocktail; she was always there to take me home from the bar. She stayed with me to make sure I wouldn’t hurt myself; and in the morning she would always cure my headache. We had so much fun together, inside and outside the bedroom. She had a wild side to her, but she would never drink. She tried to make me quit, but I was too attached to let go. Then the fateful day came, she told me to decide who I wanted to be with, her or my drinking? I broke her heart that night. The next morning I got a call from the hospital, letting me know that she was in intensive care. I rushed over to her immediatly. I was informed that she had died while I was on my way over. When I asked why, I was told that she overdosed on alcohol and crashed into a bus. A wave of shock hit my body; she drank alcohol because of me. It was all my fault; I should have quit and went to rehab. I should have stopped her. Now I couldn’t do anything, she disappeared out of my life forever. That night I went to a bar and ordered ten glasses of beer. I wanted to drown all of the pain away in a bitter fiery liquid. It was the only thing left to comfort me now. I didn’t care if it had killed her. I left the bar and barely made it to my apartment. As soon as I walked inside I headed for the balcony. Being in a drunken state, I did could think clearly. I leaned over and stared at the ground beneath me. I could have ended it right then and there, but something stopped me. I looked up and saw her form floating in front of me. Either I was totally wasted, or her spirit had appeared. She smiled sadly at me and wiped away the tears that were falling down my cheeks. Then she disappeared. I didn’t kill myself that night, but I didn’t quit on my deadly addiction.

So now I stand in the same place that I saw her, gazing at the city lights, drinking my beer. I miss her like hell, but I have my comfort in a glass. Quitting is harder than it seems, but I am slowly trying to wean myself off of alcohol for good. At least for her, because it’s the least I can do.

2:00a.m., 2:01, 2:02…2:45. Tora stared at the clock on his nigh table, breathing heavily, unable to sleep. Another stabbing pain shot through his spinal cord. He bit on his bed sheet to prevent himself from screaming. His hernia was acting up again. He needed medicine or painkillers, but both were out of his reach. His body was void of all feeling except for the stabbing pain in his back. He groaned as he tried to get out of bed, and into the bathroom where his salvation was. He slowly and cautiously attempted to get up, but he failed. His body was too weak, and in too much pain to comply with his wishes. He screamed as he collapsed on the floor. The frustrated man slammed his fist against the floor over and over again. Why was he so weak? He couldn’t even get painkillers to soothe his pain. His only option was to crawl in slow, agonizing movements to the bathroom. He was a failure in his own eyes; he couldn’t take care of himself. Ever since he was diagnosed with the wretched disease, he found that everyone was doing everything for him, like he was some helpless child who needed to be held by the hand. Another unbearable wave of pain passed. This time it took his consciousness.
When he came to, he was laying on his stomach, in his bed. How did he get there? He didn’t feel the any pain. Tora wondered if he had died and gone to heaven. He took in a deep breath and froze. The sweet perfume in the air was all too familiar for his liking. How did she get into his apartment? She was the last person that he wanted to see. “What are you doing here?” He asked roughly, assuming that she was in the room. “I called your cell phone, and you didn’t answer so I got worried. I got the key from Shou, and sure enough you were on the floor, completely passed out.” She was persistent as always. That fact alone was added on to his ongoing list of things he hated about her. She was too cheerful, too clingy, too perky, and way too much of a pushover. Over all she was too much to handle. She reminded him of a rabid fan girl, except she worked at PSC. There was a reason why he ignored her phone calls. He heard her move and from the corner of his eye, he saw her hand holding a cup of tea and a heating pad, “Drink this tea, and take off your shirt.” Her voice didn’t hold its usual perky tone. For a moment she sounded just like his mother. He took the tea, but hell would have to freeze over at least ten times before he would take his clothes off for her. Seeing that he wasn’t going to comply, she sighed and pulled out a pair of scissors and started to cut through his shirt. Tora jumped, as the cool metal grazed his pale skin, “What the hell do you think you’re doing? That’s my favorite shirt!” She ignored him and proceeded with the cutting. After she removed his shirt, she placed the heating pad on his lower back and sat on the bed. Tora started to worry; he had no idea what she was going to do. This girl was capable of anything, and she could easily take advantage of him in his weak state.
After a few hours, Tora’s back was feeling even better than before. Her hands gently, but firmly massaged Tora’s back, and the heating pad was delivering the perfect amount of heat. Tora glimpsed at the clock, it was seven in the morning. “How long have you been here?” He asked, still holding up his guard. “Since 5 a.m. the day before yesterday.” Her hands moved in rhythmic, circular motions over his back, “Like I said earlier, when you didn’t answer, I got worried. I thought that someone attacked you, or even killed you.” Tora couldn’t believe that he was out for two days! “You know, maybe I didn’t pick up the phone because I was tired of getting calls from you.” He said coolly. She didn’t say anything; she just continued to rub his back patiently. That was a first; she was known to bark back at snide comments. He turned his head slightly and caught a glimpse of her. She looked like a completely different person. She wasn’t wearing her bright pink makeup; instead she had simple black eyeliner and beige eye shadow. Her eyes were rimmed with bags, suggesting that she hadn’t slept in a while. She wasn’t wearing any ruffles or puffy skirts. Her outfit consisted of a long sleeved black t-shirt and faded jeans. Her hair, which was usually curled up in doll like curls, was pulled up in a messy bun. She looked and acted so normal, sitting on his bed. Her voice wasn’t high pitched, and squeaky; instead it was low and hollow, like the autumn wind. “What’s with your new look? Did your Lolita closet get stolen?” He asked with cold sarcasm dripping from every word. “No, this is what I always wear. You can’t judge people so quickly, Tora. The only reason I am the way I am at work, is because I was hired to be cute and sweet.” She said softly. Tora knew that he had hurt her with that last comment. A long silence filled the room; it was broken by her voice, “Tora…” She started hesitantly, “What do you think of me? Do you honestly hate me? It seems that whenever I am around you, you push me away like I’m some kind of infectious disease.” Tora buried his face into his pillow. He didn’t know anymore, she was a completely different person now. Sure she was annoying, but she was always did little things that made him seem like he mattered to someone. Small things, like getting him coffee when the band recorded all night. Then whenever he went on long tours she would pack him a box of things that would remind him of home. And in his darkest, most painful moments, when he thought that he was all alone; she came and nursed him back to health. Not getting a reply, she suddenly felt embarrassed, “Never mind, it was stupid question.” She stopped massaging him and went to got het her bag. She was leaving; he was going to be alone again. He wasn’t going to let her go, not this time, “Oi, I don’t…hate you…” He admitted, it was so unlike him to admit his true feelings to anyone. He felt awkwardly insecure for a moment. He extended his hand to her. She stared at him for the longest time before she put her hand into his. He had taken her for granted, and he regretted it. He tugged on her arm gently, pulling her closer to the bed, “Yes, I do find your perkey side to be extremely annoying…however…I would really like to get to know this side of you.” Her cheeks flushed, “I have to get to work, baka…” She turned towards the door, but he still held her arm. She looked at him hopelessly. “Call in sick…besides you look exhausted.” He didn’t want to be alone anymore, he wanted her soothing presence to be beside him. He pulled back the cover and scooted to the other side of the bed, she awkwardly lay down beside him and closed her eyes. After a few moments, her breathing became steady and deep, indicating that she was fast asleep. Tora took both of her hands and kissed them, “Arigato, Thank you for being the only one who cared.”

What could be better?

So my english professor told us that in her class we can pick our own topics for our essays. Just as long as it follows the format she wants
for example
a narrative an argumentative and a descriptive and persuasive

so for my persuasive essay i will write about how we should get jrockers to come overseas more often
and for my descriptive i wrote about the visual kei movement

i asked her if it was ok and she loved that essay so much that she has now become a fan of l'arc en ceil and gazette

funny ne?

yeah...odd day today but very eventful
where do you find an english class were you can get an A for writing about jrock?

meh...got bored so wrote a oneshot about ruki
based on the song DLN by gazette

knew it all along, so I'm not sad

It’s the same damn question over and over again, “Why do you write such sad, morbidly depressing songs?”

Little by little, little by little, like counting the numbers

Why the hell not? I’ve lived life, I’ve gotten hurt. I’ve been betrayed by those who really matter to me.

The color of the withering vegetation becomes dim and I can't tell when the season ends

I know what pain is; and those few words that I scribble on paper don’t even touch up on what’s really going on inside of me.

The day I follow your footsteps calls to the day I listened for your footsteps

It’s the same old shit over and over again. A girl tells you that she loves you, she tells you that she cares, and leaves you with nothing but a broken heart full of regrets.

I have no hope so I cannot change tomorrow

No one understands what I am going through, not even my bandmates. I give them small glimpses every now and then, however those glimpses of the true me only scare them away.

Following the sound of the withering vegetation, I can feel the season ending

I guess you could say I am a morbidly twisted sick freak, but I don’t give a damn. I am only here to put on a preformance. That’s what being an artist is all about. You put on a mask and put on one hell of a show for the people.


When the flowers color and bloom in profusion, what will be left to me?

No one understands…That behind that mask is a human, just like everyone else.

The moon pulls the curtain, but the sun shines on me

I am not some sort of god, I am just a human. And just like any human, I am selfish. I want only the best for myself.

I knew it all along, so I'm not sad

However, I am sitting here, at my prime; but I’m still not content. Is something wrong with me? Maybe…just maybe…I want to be loved? Is that too much to ask?

Even if I open my eyes and the night isn't over, even if there are no shining stars



The darkness within me is overpowering me. I need someone to shed some light into my tormented soul.

Even if the lights that color the streets all go out...

But all I get is groupies. Its not that I don’t mind, I mean a man does need to discharge every now and then, and those bitches are more than willing to be a hollow vessel. But it doesn’t fully satisfy me.

I've seen the happy faces of those I must protect and the dying breaths of those I loved
So it's all right now

All I want is for someone to listen to me, to really listen to my soul. All I want is for someone to hold me, and tell me that they love me… Is that too much to ask?

Song of the sheep in dark long night

I'm sick and tired of this...


Whats the point of living? Whats the point of suffering like this? When the whole wold is turned against me. I am only human, how much more do you think I can take? How much do you think I can bear on my shoulders? I can’t take your emotional abuse much longer or else I will break. Please just let me be. Led me draw these red lines of pain and drown in my sorrow and misonctent, I am a selfish bitch, what more do you expect? I am a failure in every aspect, a miserable woe. What more do you want from me? My sould aches in thirst and longing, my heart is nothing more than a block of ice. You taught me how to be cold, you taught me how to cut everyone off like they didn’t matter. That’s why I cant get close to anyone, this is why they tell me I’m cold. Why cant I rise to your expectaitions? Whey do you hurt me like this? Am I just a big sorrow, who has let you down? Am I just another one of your regrets? I just want it to end. I just want to put an end to it all. There is nothing to look forward to. Everything that I have ever wanted, was handed to someone else, right in front of my face. I could just go and put my hand down my throat, and pull my heart out. I watch you cry, my insides churn. I know that I am the cause of those tears, and that fact alone kills me.Please don’t cry, please don’t weap. You are in enough pain as it is. Why do you want me burdening you? I have failed you, im sorry. I’m not perfect and I know that, but I have told you that I am. I have failed you, I couldn’t live up to my lies, or your expectations. I have done nothing but brought pain to you. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I don’t want to be the cause of your tears anymore. I just want everything to return to normal. I want to go back to when the sun was shining,. But that is impossible . The darkness has settled in, it’ll never leave me. Don’t bother with your concern, not bother with your worries. Don’t wast your time on me. I am not worth your sympathy. I am a fallen angel, I don’t deserve mercy, no one can mend these broken wings. So I beg for your forgivenesss, I am your biggest failure. Everyone has left me. Everyone who mattered walked out of my life in a single instant. THEY LEFT! WHY!? Is this my cruel fate? Was I destined to be alone? I cant take this anymore!I cry out to you but you can’t hear my plea. You simply get angry and tell me to stop acting like a bitch. Why can’t anyone see my pain? Why can’t anyone understand that behind this smiles, a tortured soul cries? I’m so tired…I just want to fall into an eternal slumber…nothing can make it better now…nothing can heal these wounds. Just let me lay in stillness and drown slowly in a river of blood.

I started writing a fanfic on my livejournal, And it is about the Gazette and alice nine minus saga, sort of a vampire theme type of thing going on...check it out...

http://tiger-eyes90.livejournal.com/
hope you all enjoy

well i have to get goin now to work

aint that gonna be fun

LOL wow i was sitting with my sis late at night and we stumbled upon Kattun's show. I am not really a fan of jpop or anything but those guys are such goofballs.

when they met riahna (or however you spell it) She asked what place would they recomend for her to visit in JApan and on e of them said, "My house" Bwhwhahahahaha


anyways yea...

as far as summer is concerned its going pretty dang bad...
i am soo bored....

I want to go to Japan soo badly. I guess I have been listening to soo much music especially alice nine and gazette that I just want to go and soak in the culture.

The funny thing was that I read in a forum that a couple went to Japan and when they were in the harajuku area they saw show walking around and shopping.

I wish that I could bump into one of the artists.


SO I have decided that I am going to save up money and go study architecture there when I will be finishing my bachelor's degree....(which will be like in 4 years)


I honestly do believe that I will go there one day. It wont be anytime soon but that day will come.

Getting a penthouse apartment in Shibuya is another fantasy that I had...
But for that to come true I will need to win the lottery or something

Anyways til later

peace and smile

well what can i say
im graduating in a couple of days hecka excited

and i am currently looking for a way to go to miyavi's concert

he was like in san fransisco and i was two hours away...at home

moping in mysery cause my parents wouldnt let me go

ahhh i have to go now


i really dont want to

but it seems i dont have a choice