Well here's something me and a very good friend named P'Billy wrote together!! Please tell me what You think!!


Brightness eyes
Dark as the night
I watch the rain falling down on you
While the sky is white
The sun won’t make it through
I was terrified of loosing you…

Do you remember?
We walked until morning
With your smart eyes
And your killing hands
And laughed until we cried
We would laugh
We would laugh…

I might need myself more than you think you do
That’s why I won’t be able to make it through with you

You used to put stars in my eyes
And sparkles in my heart
But I’ve put them in a box
That I gave you back
Because I can’t hold the doubts
Eating me alive every night
I was terrified of loosing you…

I thought I was someone by your side
But you took the very best of me
I can remember the soft blankets
As your hands were gently touching me
Can you still hear me breath?
I would breath…
I would breath…

I might need myself more than you think you do
That’s why I packed my bags and going far away from you

Will you remember?
The day I looked away
And gazed into the distance
And opened my heart to you
You said the words ‘’I feel it too’’
I’ll keep cherish it as the best lie
No one ever told me…

I now need myself more than you do
I’m sorry for not being able to face you
Before I end up dying I’ll go far away
And maybe I’ll come back someday
But don’t expect me too
I was terrified of loosing you…

Hiii people!! Well...because I haden't been writting for many months...I'll try to write a LOT now...

Today was a pretty smooth day...been cooking all day for the dinner I love to cook for my parents!!! I cooked general tao chicken, some vegetables, some salada dressing and also brownies! It was very very good!!

Tonite I should have been leaving for montreal (3 hours from my hometown) for a huuuuge halloween party with my best friend Clara...but...I just got hired at a job that I CAN'T refuse...and they want me to start tomorrow morning...I am so so so disappointed but I guess it's a sacrifice in order to work at this place...What do you think?

Nway...I feel kinda depressed today, about the whole situation, but I tried to stay busy...to forget that I'm missing a party awwww


Anyway people! I wish you a good Halloween!! SOme people dress up?? I would have been a sexy cabin attendant

xxxx

HIIII everyone!! Well...it's been SO long since my last post...I just went through, probably, the most difficult step in my life, up to now.

I still am, but I had to face the fact that for me and my best friend, everything was OVER. I cried a FUCKING LOT. You can't even imagine...I stopped eating...been throwing up cause the feelings were too strong...been through many panic attacks, been meeting with a shrink (whom I am still meeting), been to a crisis center for a whole week, cause I wasn't fine at all.

WOAH! THAT'S a long way, isn't it?! But I am FINALLY, after 3 months, starting to feel better. I've been meeting new guys, hanging out with my awesome friends, and my family, and I've realized how awesome my life is, even without him!

I am realizing that he was a selfish and narcissistic (is that the word lol?) person, who was using me to make himself feel better. Now I don't give a shit anymore about him! I grew from it, and what happened made me realize that I had many problems with myself. Me and my shrink are working very hard on myself and seriously, she's the best. I know that I pay her, and some people think it's stupid to seek for professionnal help..but she made me realize SO many things about myself, about him, about my past, about my parents, about my childhood...

So what I wanna send to people with this post, is a ray of light! There's hope, seriously, even in the darkest moments. When this guy threw me like a dirty sock, I seriously thought I would die. And I've been going through hell for 3 months...Now I'm starting to feel alive again...and it's better than never!!!

So thanks to everyone who makes my life beautiful everyday!!

And thanks to you, Jpopasia people, who put a smile on my face everyday!!

okay, hi people.rnrnomg I havent written for forever, right? so many exhausting things happened...first, about the guy. I was staying at his place, like I wrote in the last post. One night, he came home, and told me the typical ''BC, I really like you, you're amazing, I LOVE talking with you, it makes me feel really comfortable, but...I can see you're falling in love with me, and I'm not, so could you please leave?''rnrnAfter all the shit that happened to me in Japan, I really thought I had finally found a stable state in my life, and plus, I was FINALLY with this guy, for who I had been having feelings for the past 2 years. And after EVERYTHING he did to raise my hopes about him, he just ended up spitting in my face.rnrnAfter that I waited until he fell asleep and took the first bus to Quebec (my parents home town). I had a HUGE break down when I got here (screaming, crying, throwing stuffs, the typical break down!) And my parents were freaking out of course...Now I am seeing a shrink, and she said I need a life break. So I am staying at my parents place, taking everything easy, and looking for a small job. I've been seeing my friends a LOT, which was amazing. My friends and family are the most positive thing in my life right now.rnrnWell I cant write now, I'm really weak lately and cant do something for more than 3-4 minutes (I sleep like 14 hours a night tho).rnrnLove you all, hope things are better for you.rnrnHope to catch you soonrnrnbye bye xxxrnrnrnMsg for him : You thought you were there to guide me, but you're only in my way.~

hey crazy pplz!

how have you all been doing? well well well I"m just back from 1 week in my hometown (Quebec) at my parents house. I took it easy, saw some friends, some family. But still I havent met everybody since Im back. So after this 1 week, I came back to mtl, cause thats where Ill be staying from now on.

I used to have this guy in my life, he was my best friend for 2 years or so (hes japanese I met him at the same place than yutaka). And now we are living together...and we act as a total couple. So we kinda decided that we are going out together! At least thats what we tell people. But still its not REALLY official. Ive been having feelings for him for 2 years...so of course im happy about this situation! I think being a half couple really matches me. I dont need more, I dont need the drama and all those emotions, like it happened with yutaka. In the end we were both hurt. So Ill keep it simple with my best friend! And who knows, maybe someday we are meant to end together! But hes been the most important guy in my life for a loooong time already.

About working, Ill start looking for a job pretty soon. Still dont know what I want to do.

So now Im going on a wild day out in Montreal city

Hoppe youre all doing great, sorry if I dont write that much, I always get busy on summertime!

byebye xxxx

HI everyone, it`s been such a long time since I came here, so I want to catch up! I`m gonna write a loooong journal! (That you don`t have to read until the end if you`re bored of course!) Wait, I`ll put some music!.....okay! I`ve put Yesterday by Leona Lewis, that`s seriously a song you should download if you never listened to it! It makes me cry many times!!

Okay...now...about my new life, right? Well, I came back on June 29th. And my friend Will came to pick me up. I have to talk a bit about him, because he`s the one I will live with from now on (in Montreal city). Well, last summer, me and my ex-boyfriend (Yutaka) separated, cause he had to go back to Japan, but I couldn`t afford to follow him. At that time, Will was my guy best friend (we used to live in Quebec city tho). And as soon as Yutaka left, many things happened between me and my best friend. I don`t wanna go through the details tho...but well, at first it was really fun, but the more we were together, acting as a couple, the more I was falling in love (which is normal for a girl, right?) But in the end he really hurt me...I don`t wanna go through these details either, but anyway! I just walked away...and then like 8 months later (or so) I talked to him on MSN while I was in Japan...we talked a lot and decided to become friends again. And yea that`s why he came to pick me up at the airport I was really happy to see him (Hadnt seen him for 1 year). So I`ll be sharing a room with him from now on, until I don`t know when.

So, I came back, and now, I don`t know how to explain it...but I`m having a BIG down. While I was with Will, it was kinda okay, cause I could put everything in a small corner of my mind, and only have fun with him, right? But yesterday I came back to my parents house for 1 week. And I totally exploded. I started to cry a lot, I couldnt even talk anymore. I started to tell them exactly what I feel (what I wasnt able to do in front of Will). Like...I HATE Quebec....I HATE Quebec people...I feel SO different from them, and it puts a lot of pressure on me...I don`t want to make friends with them...right now I feel like hiding somewhere all by myself...and seeing NOBODY. Except my best friends : Will & Clara. Half of my friends don`t even know I`m back. Same for my family. My mom`s family knows I`m back, but my dad`s side was like wtf are you gonna do in Japan? So I don`t wanna tell them I`m back cause otherwise they`ll be like : you see? you came back...so Japan was useless right? Right now, I have the feeling I FAILED something. I just gave up...came back...I don`t regret cause my life in Japan was really insane. And one thing is I stayed 6 months with a guy who pushed me down EVERYDAY. I became crazy with that guy. I can finally say it open : I became VIOLENT to him because his attitude was driving me CRAZY. I`ve hit my head against the wall, I screamed, I tried to beat him...Will saies that I`m not the crazy one, Yutaka is. (They used to be best friends.) But still...it`s so hard to believe, right? Yutaka told me SO many things about myself. I don`t wanna play the victim tho, but still.......it`s hard to get over this. It was like a huge brain washing. In the end I was so exhausted...I was sleeping like 15 hours a day cause he was a big energy eater. So yea I`m a bit traumatised right now...

And about my working life... I really really don`t know what I want to do. I am SO not motivated about working. I just feel depressed about it...yesterday I sat at the restaurant with my parents, and I saw the waiter talking to costumers and then I thought omg...I DONT want to be a waitress again...and I started to panick and cry a lot...you see? I`m not okay at all...and we went to a restaurant I used to work to (cause I`m still friend with the staff) and they asked me to work there for the week, cause they have a staff problem. I said yes...but still it`s gonna be hard...(I work tomorrow morning). Well maybe that`s what I need! Maybe it won`t be that bad after all...I have to try! And about Montreal, Will pushes me to apply for a cathering job...and I would have to wear like a sexy black dress when I work...but I have NO self-estim for my appareance. He said I shouldnt worry at ALL...but still...and I`d like so much to work in a big club...but then the same problem comes back...I look at myself and Im like god youre so ugly...how could you be able to work In a club???

So yea...that`s about it for my ``new`` life...I know my journal was long...but I really wanted to open up. And it makes me feel better...so I hope you didn`t get bored...

I love you all

bye bye

HI everyone, it`s been such a long time since I came here, so I want to catch up! I`m gonna write a loooong journal! (That you don`t have to read until the end if you`re bored of course!) Wait, I`ll put some music!.....okay! I`ve put Yesterday by Leona Lewis, that`s seriously a song you should download if you never listened to it! It makes me cry many times!!

Okay...now...about my new life, right? Well, I came back on June 29th. And my friend Will came to pick me up. I have to talk a bit about him, because he`s the one I will live with from now on (in Montreal city). Well, last summer, me and my ex-boyfriend (Yutaka) separated, cause he had to go back to Japan, but I couldn`t afford to follow him. At that time, Will was my guy best friend (we used to live in Quebec city tho). And as soon as Yutaka left, many things happened between me and my best friend. I don`t wanna go through the details tho...but well, at first it was really fun, but the more we were together, acting as a couple, the more I was falling in love (which is normal for a girl, right?) But in the end he really hurt me...I don`t wanna go through these details either, but anyway! I just walked away...and then like 8 months later (or so) I talked to him on MSN while I was in Japan...we talked a lot and decided to become friends again. And yea that`s why he came to pick me up at the airport I was really happy to see him (Hadnt seen him for 1 year). So I`ll be sharing a room with him from now on, until I don`t know when.

So, I came back, and now, I don`t know how to explain it...but I`m having a BIG down. While I was with Will, it was kinda okay, cause I could put everything in a small corner of my mind, and only have fun with him, right? But yesterday I came back to my parents house for 1 week. And I totally exploded. I started to cry a lot, I couldnt even talk anymore. I started to tell them exactly what I feel (what I wasnt able to do in front of Will). Like...I HATE Quebec....I HATE Quebec people...I feel SO different from them, and it puts a lot of pressure on me...I don`t want to make friends with them...right now I feel like hiding somewhere all by myself...and seeing NOBODY. Except my best friends : Will & Clara. Half of my friends don`t even know I`m back. Same for my family. My mom`s family knows I`m back, but my dad`s side was like wtf are you gonna do in Japan? So I don`t wanna tell them I`m back cause otherwise they`ll be like : you see? you came back...so Japan was useless right? Right now, I have the feeling I FAILED something. I just gave up...came back...I don`t regret cause my life in Japan was really insane. And one thing is I stayed 6 months with a guy who pushed me down EVERYDAY. I became crazy with that guy. I can finally say it open : I became VIOLENT to him because his attitude was driving me CRAZY. I`ve hit my head against the wall, I screamed, I tried to beat him...Will saies that I`m not the crazy one, Yutaka is. (They used to be best friends.) But still...it`s so hard to believe, right? Yutaka told me SO many things about myself. I don`t wanna play the victim tho, but still.......it`s hard to get over this. It was like a huge brain washing. In the end I was so exhausted...I was sleeping like 15 hours a day cause he was a big energy eater. So yea I`m a bit traumatised right now...

And about my working life... I really really don`t know what I want to do. I am SO not motivated about working. I just feel depressed about it...yesterday I sat at the restaurant with my parents, and I saw the waiter talking to costumers and then I thought omg...I DONT want to be a waitress again...and I started to panick and cry a lot...you see? I`m not okay at all...and we went to a restaurant I used to work to (cause I`m still friend with the staff) and they asked me to work there for the week, cause they have a staff problem. I said yes...but still it`s gonna be hard...(I work tomorrow morning). Well maybe that`s what I need! Maybe it won`t be that bad after all...I have to try! And about Montreal, Will pushes me to apply for a cathering job...and I would have to wear like a sexy black dress when I work...but I have NO self-estim for my appareance. He said I shouldnt worry at ALL...but still...and I`d like so much to work in a big club...but then the same problem comes back...I look at myself and Im like god youre so ugly...how could you be able to work In a club???

So yea...that`s about it for my ``new`` life...I know my journal was long...but I really wanted to open up. And it makes me feel better...so I hope you didn`t get bored...

I love you all

bye bye

Hi everyone, I'm sorry, I havent been on for a long time, ne? well i guess its gonna be kind of a shock...but I'm actually back from Japan. I don't have much time to explain everything...but I'll do later. I just wanted you to know that I'm not dead, I'm not missing, I'm just really busy lately.

So I hope everything is good for everyone of you.

Love you all
xxx

heya people!!

Well well, just a little update about my recent life. No one gave me advice about all this teacher thing I was rilly sad but its okay it's kinda over for now...but i'll meet her again soon when the school starts i cant wait to see what it's like to teach english and stuffs. still i am really stressed cause i'll b the only teacher who isnt a native, so my accent is not that good.

I found a new appartment for 30 000 yen per month (approximatly 300 canadian $) it's really really old tho. And i didnt get to see it very well cause i visited at night and because no one lives there there's no electricity, so no light. But I didn't really have a choice...cause it's the cheapest one and right now I have a lot of money problems. Just to tell you, I eat one time a day because I can't afford more, unfortunatly...

Yesterday I was at work and there's this girl who came and talked to me, where I'm from, and stuffs. And I can feel that she's a really cool person! And she seemed a bit older than me. She told me she's japanese but she lives in Hawaii for 4 years now. She told me she really liked my attitude and she wanted to exchange phone numbers and emails I was like my god sure!! And she is only here for 4 months but she gave my number to one of her japanese friends who stay really close to me, so I could become friend with her! Yesterday she called me and she sounded really nice. We are gonna meet soon for a cafe or something! God making new friends is so awesome...

I saw my ex again 2 days ago, we hadent met for a long time. And things went pretty smooth and good. We figured out maybe if we see each other just 1 time and a while we might be happy together. Like, not call each other a couple, but meet maybe 1 time in 2 weeks...cause when i saw him I could see he had missed me. He was cuddling me SO much, and finally I slept there and he spent the night cuddling me. And then the next day after I left he called me. He NEVER calls me. So maybe thats the solution? Have our 2 separate lives, with separate friends, but meet once in a while. Becase i love this guy to death. And I've always thought I want to have his children. But now we are in bad situations. So I wanna keep in touch and we both have to work on ourselves and then when the situations are better we can get back together. I still havent gave up on him. But I understood a lot about him recently. He's EXACTLY like a cat. If you ALWAYS pat him, and cuddle him, and call him he'll get scared, and maybe bored too. You have to wait until he does the first steps. And I know I can trust him that when I stop every contact with him he always ends up coming back. I guess that's what I do starting now.

Well tonight I am moving at another friend's place. She's called Yu. Cause the place where i stay now they have 4 cats and my allergies are seriously becoming dangerous. I think it'll be a lot of fun at my friend's place. Let's see!!

Well that's it for the updates, I hope everything is fine for you guys also. I've been going through a LOT lately (but I don't want to write everything here, since it's a public forum and you dont know who might read it.) but now I think things are getting better finally...

So I love you guys! Good luck with everything

Hiii minna-san! How is everyone? (I can hear a bunch of people answering WERE GOOOD!) Yay!! Me too except that today is a really bad day, and I really need to share it with you! And I'll need your opinions please...

Well as I said before, I'm in Japan with working holiday Visa, and it was REALLY hard to find a job so before I find one I really lost my money, even accumulated a lot of debts. And the way I found my job is working holiday visa help center. You go there and someone helps you look for a job. So I kinda made friend with the girl who helped me, she's really really nice. And then one day she called me, she said Hi I have here the owner of an english school who needs a model for her new annoucement, would you like to meet her? So I got there and I met the school owner, she was really nice, so I felt I could open up to her and told me about my current problems in Japan (money problems, appartment problems, boyfriend problems). And she was like omg poor you, I'd really much like to help you. So she offered a teaching job, like once or twice a week, on my chocolate shop days off. I was like yes!! Why not that sounds fun and plus, it would give me a bit more money!

So yea as I said earlier, now I live with a married couple, until I can find a place of my own. So today I was supposed to meet the english teacher and visit her school. But when I woke up this morning, I couldn't find my keys at all...I was like huh? And then I thought OH NO..maybe the guy left with my keys. And I called him and YES he had taken my keys (well which were actually his, but I was borrowing from him.) So I was like nooooo. But like what can I do? I can't leave the appartment cause I can't lock the door. I was really disappointed cause today is my day off and I could't even leave the appartment...so I called the teacher and I thought I hope she will understand. But she was busy so she said I'll call you back later. She called me one hour later, and I explained the situation and she sounded really mad and disappointed :S She was like : I offered you this job cause I know your situation is bad, and usually I only give the teaching job to NATIVE english speakers, and you don't even have a college degree, but still I offered you this job. You really disappoint me and how can I trust you if you act irresponsible like that? And then she asked me : What SHOULD have you done with this situation? So I said I should have communicated more with the guy and she was like YES exactly. I understand she's disappointed in me. And I guess that in Japan, not showing off to an appointment is REALLY bad. But it's not like I did it on purpose or anything. It's not like I drank too much yesterday and then I couldn't get up :S and she really made me feel like I begged for this job and now I am spitting on the opportunity she gave me. And she really made me feel like I am an immature unresponsible person. (Which I'm not, otherwise I wouldnt be in Japan right now.)

Well finally she gives me another chance for tomorrow. I just wanna know your opinions on that. Like if it happened to you what would you say? I really didnt know what to say, I didnt know she would react like this...Japan is REALLy different from quebec and sometimes people surprise us.

So please answer to me people!!

Thanks a LOT for reading!

Ja ne

Well hiiii! Even if no one probably reads my posts, well just a little update of what's happening lately!

Well first, about my ''It's over with my boyfriend'' story. I finally went to his place to get the rest of my stuff...and of course the 1st thing we did is make love. Is it weird you think? After we got to talk, but this guy is REALLY not talkative you know? ''I don't know'' is his favorite answer. And not that I call him 50 times a day, but I know sometimes he doesn't pick up his phone only because he don't feel like talking. So that's really hard to have a conversation with him. When we were living in Quebec he was so different. Like so kind, and shy, and would ALWAYS make sure that everything is okay for me. Now it's like he doesn't give a s*** anymore. I know that he HATES japan, he HATES japanese people and that REALLY piss him off all the time. He's a really really frustrated person inside, and he's been taking it on me a lot. He went to the hospital recently and he might have a depression. That's really hard to take...so YEA I TRIED to talk with him, and we came to the conclusion that LIVING together in Japan defenetly doesnt work. We always fight about money stuffs, appartment stuffs...bills...so it REALLY poisons our couple. We decided to try to see each others, but living seperatly. Maybe this way it will work, but we're still not sure. Let's try ne. The thing that hurts me, is he can't answer the question ''Do you love me?'' anymore...that really hurts you know? He said he needs time...well I'll give him but still I'm not the stand by person kind. If he doesn't answer really soon I'll start looking...I really need love in my life, and one way love is the most hurtful kind.

About my work it's still the same...it's a bit long and boring but I REALLY need money, and plus they offered to extend my visa when it expires in January. So I'm holding on to this job! Everyone there is really nice, and they really try to communicate with me. I really appreciate it!

Well thanks for reading, if you did!

Mata ne!

Well it won't be a long journal, just to say I have to go back to work today after my 2 days off...and it's always difficult...if you know what I mean ?

So I need a BIG kickass!! I'll listen to a LOT of hyper japanese songs on my way to my work, maybe it'll put me in the mood?? And arggg with the mummy cat and the 3 kitten here, my allergies are about to kill me damn...can we die of allergies??? Maybe I'll be the 1st one xD

WELL love you ALL (yus yus, all of you! From the 1st to the last one!)

Have a nice day ne!

Ja ne

OH and by the way...tonight I'm going at my EX-boyfriend place to get the rest of my stuffs...I'm a bit stressed, and I'll probably go with a friend, cause he's really mad at me that I left him, so it's a bit scary. Wish me good luck please, cause it will probably hurt a lot to see him for a last time....

Hi! Well I was on this site and I just realized my 2 last journals sound soooo depressed so I decided to write a happy one about my life right now in Japan! Then again, I won't be mad at anyone if you don't wanna read cause you think it might be boring!

Well well well, I won't talk about EVERYTHING I went through to get here, because it would be obviously too long, and unless you wanna spend 3 hours on reading my journal, I will only talk about my present life! Well I just wanna mention that I came here because of my japanese boyfriend, that now it's over, and that I'm here since January 10th with a working holiday visa. By the way, for the ones who don't know what working holiday visa is, well, it's hard to explain, it's a kind of deal between some countries, that it's easy for the residents of this country to go work 1 year somewhere. EXEMPLE it's easy for japanese to get a whv to canada, and it's easy for canadians to get a whv for japan. Then you can work or not work, but after 1 year, if you want to extend your visa to a normal working visa, it's really hard and you need a university degre (but my case is different, I'll tell you why). Oh and btw only people from 18 to 30 years old are eligible. You can browse on the internet if you want to know if your country is on the list.

OKAY enough visa talk! So right now, where I live. I live on the Southest island of Japan, named Kyushu. And I live in Fukuoka, in Minami-ku, to be more precise. I used to stay in an appartment with my boyfriend, but since it's over, now I stay in an appartment with a french friend and his japanese wife. Of course, it's only temporary, they're helping me out. So I will be searching for a new appartment as soon as the french guy has some time to help me. (I won't talk about it, but finding an appartment in Japan is f**king complicated and expensive.) I live 10 minutes from a train station, and with the train it takes approximatly 10 minutes to get to the downtown : Tenjin. By the way, something interresting : YUI is from Fukuoka, and before she was famous she used to street live in Tenjin. (My bf saw her once.)

Now, where do I work. I won't tell you everything I went through to find a job. My problem is my japanese is sucky (well now it's getting better everyday but still...). AND I don't have a university degree. I was about to go back to Quebec cause my debts were accumulating, and then I found the perfect job. In Quebec, my speciality job is waitress. I LOVE　this job cause it keeps me in touch with people and I think I'm really good at it. Well I found a similar job in a huuuge chocolate, cake, cookies shop! It's one of the most famous in Fukuoka that's really cool! You can visit the website at www.chocolateshop.co.jp At first I felt really lost because there are a LOT of people working at the same time, and none of them can speak english. The person who hired me is the french guy. At least I could communicate in french with him. But still, I'm fron Quebec, and sometimes French french is hard for me to understand. But it's better than jap! Finally I made many friends, and the owner loves me! He already spoke about extending my visa. so THATS where I'm telling you why I could, without having a university degre. The thing is I work in a patisseries shop. And I think I understood that the owner has a special permit for foreigners, and if he proves that I bring a lot to the shop, which means I bring a lot to Fukuoka, which means to Japan, then they can extend me. This'll be hard, but we'll try. Btw, my job consists on giving shishoku to people. I dont know the english word for that. It's like you walk around with a place and people taste the food? You understand?

Well I guess that's pretty much about m,y life in japan, I didn't wanna make it long but Japan is so fascinating! And I wanted to share it with you!

Thanks for reading this, see you next time

Well well well...it's been kind of a long time since I wrote the last journal. For the interested ones...here's the rest of the story.

Well, things between me and my boyfriend only got worse and worse and worse...and I was starting to loose all my self-confidence, cause I didn't have a job (don't forget that I'm living in Japan) and the only person i was really getting to see was my boyfriend, who was treating me more and more like a piece of shit :S I finally got to work somewhere! (In a chocolate shop) and started to meet many japanese people, and got to make friends. They made me feel like I'm worth something after all, and maybe my boyfriend is the one with the problem, not me. Or maybe it's half half. But being alone with him and his negative attitude, I was starting to think that I'm the only 1 with a problem, and that I had to work on myself a lot.

So a few weeks ago, my boyfriend started telling me that he doesn't love me anymore, that he wants to leave me and that I'm really saiyaku (japanese word for bad person.) And he went to see a psychologist and the psychologist told him to get a move on from me. (Yup, and believe me, that's really hard to hear.) And he was less and less nice with me. He did things that I can't write in a journal, but believe me, you DON'T want a guy to act like this with you.

So one day I called him and he answered his phone with the most agressive ''WHAT?''So i said ''nothing'' and hung up the phone and that's when I knew I can't handle this anymore. So at night, when I came back from work, he wasn't home. I packed a bag, called a friend, and went to his place. The only problem was that we had only 1 key. And I didn't want to see Yutaka (that's my ''boyfriend''s name) to give him the key. So near our train station there's a bar and I'm friend with the owner (He's only 27 lol don't worry). So i went there and gave him the key and asked him to call Yutaka to tell him I moved and he can go to the bar to get the key. (God I'm sorry if that sounds complicated as hell, belive me, doing it was complicated too, especially that I had to express myself only in japanese lol!) And then after giving the key to the bar owner, I moved to my friend's place. I can assume that the bar owner called Yutaka, cause Yutaka called me and he was PISSED OFF. I told him I don't wanna talk to him, so he hung up his phone.

Now it's been 2 nights already, but the thing is I still have things in Yutaka's appartment. Today I called him (using my friend's cellphone), he answered and when he heard my voice, he just hung up on me. Like, what is there to understand? If someone sees a clear answer here PLEASE tell me. He treats me like a poo on the floor, he makes me feel like I'm the last stupid person on Earth, he tells me he wanna leave me, and when I finally make things easy for him and move my f*** on, he gets pissed off as hell. And then they say women are complicated??? That's bullsh**!! I'm sorry, but I really needed to write it down somewhere, and I hope that someone can help me!! Now I just wanna get my stuffs back (especially my guitar, god thats a gift from my dad). But he wont let me talk to him. Someone has a strategy, an idea of what I could do??

Well, if you've read this until the end THANKS, you are really courageous!!! And if you didnt, DONT worry, I'm not mad at you lol! I probably would have get tired!! And in the end, don't worry for me ne, I have a lot of friends and support here, and even my friends from Quebec are supporting me with computer. Plus, I have my jpop, that never fails to cheer me up in dark moments!!

Thanks for reading me! love you all

Mata ne, kyotsukete kudasai!

okay well...i have something on my heart, and i had to write it down...so i guess it`ll be here...

i met this guy...1 year and a half ago. we both fell in love for each other and at the beginning it was awesome. i really loved him, with all my heart and soul, well...you know what i`m talking about.

the thing is he wasnt canadian. so after 7 months he had to go back to his country. so for 8 months...8 endless months, i held on, i kept him on my heart as the most precious thing ever, knowing that we would meet again...that it was just a matter of time.

and we did meet again. i came to his country, and i am still here. the thing is...we are breaking each other apart...everyday more, even if we love each other. fighting has become a daily thing for us. i always get upset over him...and i hate myself for that. and now...a new problem appeared...a problem i thought would NEVER occur between us : lies. he started lying to me. it happened once...and i dont know if this will ever happen. i thought that even if we were fighting a lot...at least we were really strong together, and could overcome everything...but he hid some things from me, and did things on his own, lying to me...it just broke me more.

now things are getting worse everyday...but i ****ing love him...like i will probably never love again. When he left for his country, the pain was so strong...i thought i was gonna die. i dont wanna go through this again...but..then..i think...maybe i am killing myself a little bit more everyday. so..what is the best?? die slowly and painfully...or die like...once, but really fast...(i am not talking about suicide here...just trying to image it...you know...)

for me hes the smartest, the kindest, the most handsome, the most special. and no one can come across him in my heart. NO ONE. ever. so i really dont know what to do...my parents want me to go back to my country...cause they worry for me a lot. i dont wanna go back...but i am seriously killing myself here. i wish things were easier...

so...2 different cultures, 2 different skin colours, 2 different personalties and 2 different hearts...does t make it impossible?? maybe...